Tuesday, June 22, 2010

I Want a Girlfriend. Are My Reasons Healthy or Unhealthy?

Last night's focus was (supposed to be on ...) Chapter 4 of Dr. Stephen W. Simpson's book, "What Women Wish You Knew About Dating." - Why Do You Want a Girlfriend? Well the chatters were in high gear and we got off on more than a few tangents, so we've had some requests to review the points from this interesting chapter. You gotta love "Dr. Steve" who is famous for telling it like it is. Brace yourself:

There's nothing wrong with wanting a girlfriend, but what's your motivation? There are healthy and unhealthy reasons, but the trick is that what is healthy for one man may be unhealthy for another. So here are the reasons, followed by unhealthy and healthy motivations for you to ponder:

Reason No. 1: Because it's time to get married.
Unhealthy: If getting married is something to check off of your to do list and everyone else is doing it, this doesn't mean that you are ready for a relationship. Relationships are not something you can schedule. Dating starts because you meet someone, not because of a deadline.

If you are on the other side of a period of your life when you would not have had time to pursue a relationship, such as education, job, spiritual and emotional needs, then this might be the right time for you. However, the same rules applies. It has to be because you meet someone special. But dating goes a lot better when something else isn't sucking up your time.

Reason No. 2:
Because of your sex drive. (I told you he tells it like it is!)
Unhealthy: Never start dating just because you want to have sex, or even want to kiss a girl. Men plunge into relationships as an outlet for their sex drive with little regard to anything but how physically attractive the girl is. Recipe for disaster! Broken hearts!
Healthy: Men start a relationship with their eyes and complete it with their hearts, nothing wrong with that - it's God's design. But, the spiritual and emotional connection men feel with a woman is what sustains and nurtures the relationship. It's a man's sex drive that gets him off the couch when a woman enters the room.

Reason No. 3: Loneliness and Boredom

Unhealthy: Why don't you have something to do already? If you don't have friends, hobbies or interests, it could be a sign of a more serious problem.
Healthy: "Famous psychoanalysts Heinz Kohut and W.R.D. Fairbairn said that the primary thing that drives our personality and behavior is a need for attachment, a need for relationships." Think second chapter of Genesis (it is not good for the man to be alone). Desiring a close relationship with a woman is natural, and much more intimate than what you get with your male friends.

Reason No. 4: Because a woman is interested in you.
There's nothing wrong if a woman expresses interest in you. The problem is if you date for that sole reason. Dr. Steve tells of a friend who tore through relationships like a starving man at a buffet. Never a pretty sight.
Healthy: No brainer - when she is someone you would date if she hadn't made the first move. If she asks you out first, be grateful, and make sure to work to let her know how interested you are. (Emphasis added by blogger :) Also, be sure to be the one to ask for the 2nd date!

Reason No. 5: Low self-esteem.
Many men aren't aware that low self-esteem is the thing that makes them ache for a girlfriend. They just know they feel better when dating someone. This is the most common unhealthy reason that men begin dating. This man is in love with the idea of love, not a woman. It provides validation for his fragile ego. Dr. Steve says "Expecting your girlfriend to shoulder the burden of your self-esteem is too much to ask." Counseling will benefit a man in this predicament more than anything else.
Healthy: Never.

Join us on Monday nights this summer as we continue to chew on Dr. Steve's wise counsel. Males and females are welcome! Be sure to mark your calendars for July 19 when "Dr. Steve" will be leading this chat!

~ Linda
Cache' Connections

For more info on Dr. Stephen W. Simpson, click here.

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