Thursday, September 29, 2011

Single, Female, and Ready to Date

Today's post is an article published on's Singles section. Co-written by Laura MacCorkle and Cliff Young, both single, they are addressing one reader's concern:

QUESTION: I'm a single Christian woman in my early 40s who has never been in a serious relationship. I've spent most of my life focused on the Lord, ministry, traveling, education, building relationships with my family, friends, and career. Because I have no husband or children, I've "occupied" [my time] by doing the things I felt God led me to do. Now (maybe too late?) I've realized that I can do both; I can live a full, interesting, godly life AND I can be open to a husband . . . but when it comes to relationships, the average pre-teen has more experience than me. I hesitate to respond to men sometimes because I wonder if they'll think I'm some sort of freak because I've not had experience in this area. I really do want to meet someone and the circumstances in my life are such that I can do that now. I am emotionally and spiritually ready. But I'm not sure where to start and how to handle the dreaded questions: "How many relationships have you been in before? What was the longest relationship that you've ever had?" Nor am I really sure where to start. I'd appreciate any advice that you can give.

HE SAID: One of the most common (non-physical) exercises we, as humans, seem to participate in is the “what if” game. We consider and contemplate all sorts of various ways a situation may turn out, oftentimes leaving us with a negative slant or a pessimistic outlook to our circumstance.

When we apply this innate response to dating, we can conjure up how an entire date “will” go, conversations included, long before we meet anyone. Oftentimes, this just leads to creating fear and doubt about ourselves.

What if he wonders why I’m not married?

What if she asks about past relationships?

What if he thinks this?

What if she doesn’t like that?

What if, what if, what if.

We can experience an entire relationship in our mind prior to our first meeting. Heaven forbid should any of our scenarios come to pass, which would only fuel our lack of confidence and, in a strange way, bolster the belief in our “instinctive skill.”

I once heard nearly 85 percent of the things most people worry about never come to pass. That percentage may even be higher when it comes to dating!

Matthew has some great instruction for all of us: Do not worry about your life (Matt. 6:25).

So you’re in your 40s and never been in a serious relationship.

Although you may see this as a drawback, it can also be viewed as an advantage, especially over those “pre-teens” you’re comparing yourself to. Their relationships are typically superficial, not based on personal qualities or eternal values, last only a couple of weeks and often end unpleasantly.

For those who have been in a committed relationship and have experienced a break-up or divorce, there may be emotional scars, which if left unresolved, can cause difficulties and impact subsequent relationships.

Before you start doubting yourself about your “dating experience,” consider there are those who would rather be with someone they can “learn” with, discover each other’s needs, and become “their only” instead of someone who has had a number of serious relationships, may be entering with pre-conceived notions and has “been around the block.” More ...

SHE SAID: I can certainly identify with you. While I may not be in your exact same boat, consider me waving at you from another neighboring vessel just a little bit downstream from you.

I have had some serious relationships over the years, but I have also had a busy career and a very meaningful personal life full of family, friends, church and hobbies. Even though I’ve kept myself quite busy, I would say that I’ve always had one eye on desiring marriage while the other eye was focused on my life as it was and still is: single and fulfilled, but ready to marry.

In your case, I wonder perhaps if God has decided that now is the right time to awaken the desire to date (and marry) in your heart. It sounds like your life has been chock full of interesting opportunities that God has placed in your path, and he has kept you focused on following him down these different avenues. In fact, who knows how many lives you have been able to reach for him in your career, ministry, traveling, education, and through building relationships with your family and friends? That’s encouraging to think about! And it’s also inspiring to see how God has brought you to where you are today. He has used all of your experiences to shape you into the multi-faceted woman who now stands ready to meet an eligible male and share life together. I think that’s great!

I understand your questioning about where to start, especially as it comes to answering questions that are sure to be asked regarding your past dating experience. And so my advice to you is really quite simple: just be yourself. More ...

Sounds like great advice! Get out of the boat, be open, be yourself, and trust God. Sounds like great advice that we've heard becfore :)

Cache' Connections

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Dr. Dobson's Answers to the Dating Quiz

As promised from yesterday's post! This quiz is the basis for Dr. Dobson's recent book titled, "Head Over Heels - How to Fall in Love and Land on Your Feet."

Item 1: "Love at first sight" occurs between some people.
Answer: "False. Love is not simply a feeling of romantic excitement; it goes beyond intense sexual attraction; it exceeds the thrill at having 'captured' a highly desirable social prize." The emotional high and feeling of wonderment are actually self-focused, where true love is focused on the other person's happiness and well-being.

Item 2: It is easy to distinguish real love from infatuation.
Answer: False. Dobson emphatically states, "I must stress this fact with the greatest emphasis: The exhilaration of infatuation is never a permanent condition. Period!" Even couples who are deeply in love will experience highs and lows, but their love is dependent on their commitment of their will, not emotions or circumstances.

Item 3: People who sincerely love each other will not fight and argue.
False. Enough said.

Item 4: God selects one particular person for each of us to marry, and He will guide us together.
Although God's wisdom and direction should be sought in this critical area of life, he does not perform routine matchmaking services for His followers. "He has given us judgment, common sense and discretionary powers, and He expects us to exercise these abilities in matters matrimonial."

Item 5: If a man and woman genuinely love each other, then hardships and troubles will have little or no effect on their relationship.
False. Even in stable marriages, the fiber of love can be weakened by hardships, disease, separation or other life stressors. "It must be protected or nurtured when the hard times come."

Item 6: It is better to marry the wrong person than to remain single and lonely throughout life.
False. A single person can have a fulfilling life. A miserable married person can have a miserable life ... and share it with others :/

Item 7: It is not harmful or wrong to have sexual intercourse before marriage if the couple has a meaningful relationship.
False. "Illegitimate births, abortions, disease, even death - this is the true vomitus of the sexual revolution, and I am tired of hearing it romanticized and glorified. God has clearly forbidden irresponsible sexual behavior - not to deprive us of fun and pleasure, but to spare us the consequences of this festering way of life."

Item 8: If a couple is genuinely in love, that condition is permanent - lasting a lifetime.
False. "Love, even genuine love, is a fragile thing. Let me say it again: A marital relationship must be maintained and protected if it is to survive." You can't take this relationship for granted and expect it to last.

Item 9: A short courtship (six months or less) is best.
False. Is it love or infatuation? How will you know unless you give the relationship time?

Item 10: Teenagers are more capable of genuine love than are older people.
False. Although teenage romance is especially exciting and exhilarating, teens generally lack the level of maturity to make a selfless, giving, caring commitment that will last "til death do us part."

All ten items are false. They represent the 10 most common misconceptions about the meaning of romantic love. Dobson would like to make the quiz mandatory in order to receive a marriage license. Not a bad idea!

This is a great little book for couples to read and discuss together when considering tying the knot.

Cache' Connections

Take Dr. Dobson's Love Quiz

What do you believe about love? Dr. James Dobson recently authored, "Head Over Heels - How to Fall in Love and Land on Your Feet." The cute little book begins with this quiz. Ponder your thoughts on these questions and tomorrow we'll highlight Dr. Dobson's answers.

True or False?
1. "Love at first sight" occurs between some people.
2. It is easy to distinguish real love from infatuation.
3. People who sincerely love each other will not fight and argue.
4. God selects one particular person for each of us to marry, and He will guide us together.
5. If a man and woman genuinely love each other, then hardships and troubles will have little or no effect on their relationship.
6. It is better to marry the wrong person than to remain single and lonely throughout life.
7. It is not harmful or wrong to have sexual intercourse before marriage if the couple has a meaningful relationship.
8. If a couple is genuinely in love, that condition is permanent - lasting a lifetime.
9. A short courtship (six months or less) is best.
10. Teenagers are more capable of genuine love than are older people.

~ Linda
Cache' Connections

Monday, September 26, 2011


Today's post is taken from the fast.pray group who fasts and prays at lunchtime every Monday for singles desiring marriage.

Dear Fast and Pray-ers,

This is your reminder that we are fasting and praying for 1) marriages for those who long to be married and for 2) courage to become the men and women God has created us to be, especially within relationships to the opposite sex. As you pray and fast, you might consider the thoughts below....

Sexuality (spelled wrong in the subject line to, hopefully, prevent the email from being treated as spam!). We have not written much about this topic for fast.pray. in the past. This hasn't been a conscious decision, maybe just the outgrowth of fast.pray. being mostly a virtual community--and there are some topics (including sexuality) that still, we believe, merit the safety of trusted relationship as the backdrop for deepest discussion. But recently, we've had requests to 'go there' --particularly around the questions of sexual sin and guilt. Before we attended to mistakes, though, I wanted to simply remind us of how our sexuality, whether we are married or single, is actually grounded in the character and heart of God. He is the God of sacred intimacy. And it's good to be reminded about the one in whose image we are made.

1) Sacred Intimacy includes commitment to exclusivity. The word "exclusive" can leave some of us feeling uncomfortable, but the truth is, this is the kind of relationship God is committed to and models. "I will take you as my own people, and I will be your God" he says in Exodus 6:7. And he repeats himself later , "You shall have no other gods before me...For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God" (20:3,5). God is into his people and says it's got to go both ways. He's not 'into us sometimes, until we mess up or whatever...' and then switches up. Nor does he want us being into him when it suits, then dropping him for our idol du jour. He is not fickle and he has made us, likewise, to thrive in the context of an exclusive relationship with him.

2) Sacred Intimacy includes commitment to a loving-oneness. God is not into exclusivity as its own end, but he is committed to a loving-oneness within those bounds. Jesus gives us a little taste of this when he's praying for us in John 17: "I pray that they will all be one, just as you [Father] and I are one--as you are in me, Father, and I am in you." And he continue, "that they may be one as we are one—I in them and you in me—..." (20-23). Okay, this is tricky, because we have Trinitarian concepts going on here--but in short, there is deep intimacy and oneness within God and that's what God longs for us to experience with him (and among ourselves), which is why he keeps pursuing us: "How can I give you up, O Ephraim? /How can I surrender you, O Israel? ...My heart is turned over within Me,/ All My compassions are kindled" (Hosea 11:8). He wants deep and loving union with his people (and that includes the 485 subscribers to this blog!).

3) Sacred Intimacy includes commitment to rejoicing over the beloved. God is not just committed to an exclusive and loving-oneness, God is also committed to rejoicing with and over his people. "As a young man marries a maid, so will your sons marry you; as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you" (Is. 62:5). God's heart is actually thrilled about us. Heidi, who has written many times for us, says the one message she came away with after 6 months of a listening prayer exercise was this: the God of the universe is crazy about her. Thrilled! That IS crazy. The God of the universe, crazy wild over Heidi? Over Connally? Over Anne? Over Amy? Over Kirsten? Over you? I don't think we can hear it too many times. It is true. He says so.

4) Sacred Intimacy includes commitment to bearing fruit with the beloved. God is committed to bearing fruit in and through us. Deeply connected within an exclusive, loving, & joy-filled relationship with him, we get to get co-creative! "O Ephriam," God says to his people, "what more have I to do with idols? I will answer him and care for him./I am like a green pine tree; your fruitfulness comes from me" (Hosea 14:8). So, whether he wants to bear in and through us the fruits of the his Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, etc.) or, with us as his hands and feet, new or changed lives & communities--there are endless iterations of what we get to co-create with Him--the bottom line is that his exclusive love doesn't suffocate and smush. Rather it generates life, beauty, truth, goodness. And we get to join with him in multiplying his presence. Amazing.

Okay--I know this is all very conceptual; it'll get grittier in weeks to come. But I just wanted to start this mini-series on sexuality with the reminder that regardless of our sexual histories, because we are made in the image of God, we are all carry within us the longing for and capacity for sacred intimacy, even right now. And no matter how this arena might be an area for struggle, this longing and capacity for sacred intimacy--the core of our sexuality--is a VERY GOOD thing. It is a reflection of our Maker. So thank him for it as you pray this week.

Blessings in the Journey,


~ Have a great week!
Cache' Connections

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Ever Had to "Pull a Ruth"?

If you are not familiar with the book of Ruth from the Bible and how she connected with her husband, Boaz, we strongly encourage you to read it or check out my blog post titled "The Book of Ruth Lends Dating Advice." In reading, "Get Married - What Women Can Do to Help It Happen," I happened upon the phrase "pulling a Ruth," and found it intriguing and timely.

Author Candice Watters also calls it "chasing the plane." You know, the classic scene from the movies where a couple has gotten off track and it's usually the female who ends up getting on a plane to start a new chapter in life. Tears stream down her face as she looks back and with a sweet sigh to everyone's relief, she finds her love chasing the plane mouthing the words: "Come back - I love you!"

Basically we're talking about forcing his hand. Call it an ultimatum. Or don't - but that's what it really is. Candice candidly tells of how she and her (now) husband Steve had been hanging out as friends for approximately a year during college. All the while she was developing deep feelings for him and longing to become his wife - waiting, praying and hoping. Steve didn't seem to have a clue or had some hangups and continued casually dating a few other girls. No other guys would ask her out because they were always together. But the friendship was not going anywhere. Her mentor and modern-day-matchmaker of sorts, Mary Morken, encouraged her to "pull a Ruth."

Candice wrote, "Getting on the plane ends the 'going-nowhere chapter.' What comes next could be the 'he chases the plane' chapter or maybe the 'she meets her future husband on the plane' plot twist. You never know how the man in your life will respond. He might take a small step that proves to be in the right direction. He might exceed your expectations and ask you to marry him. He might, unfortunately, prove he's not ready to be a husband. Whatever the outcome, you have to give him a chance to make the move."

Unfortunately, these types of measures are necessary in today's post-marriage culture because we do not have family structures, a stable society and social supports that work together with God's work of bringing mates together. Most singles are left floundering without a clear path to marriage or even knowing if a potential mate believes in marriage. There was a day when parents were highly involved in helping their children find a mate. These days, many parents are divorced themselves and encouraging their offspring to save the risk of divorce and live together. And many men were raised without a strong father figure to give them the confidence to move forward in a relationship.

All this to say ... don't be afraid to pull a Ruth or ask him to chase the plane. Be aware of the risk of losing him. But if your desire is to be married, hanging out indefinitely as buddies is not going to get you any closer to that calling. Far too many couples allow fear to keep them frozen. How much time are you willing to invest in being frozen?

~ Linda
Cache' Connections

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Looking for the perfect Christian mate?

In short, give it up.

We all have ideals of what our perfect spouse would look like, talk like, and act like. We women are especially in tune with our Ken doll or Mystery Date that we've dreamed about since around the age of 10 - or was it 7? Likewise, most guys have a visual picture in their mind of what their beautiful wife will look like: her hair, her smile, her height and body type. The problem with this dream date is that there are no perfect people. Surprised? Of course not. Afraid? That might be more like it.

I think that one of the many reasons that dating as a Christian is more challenging (besides the obvious: finding other Christian singles, lack of guidance from the Church, no sex outside of marriage, being careful not to be unequally yoked, different religious backgrounds/beliefs/practices, etc.) is that we also know that God hates divorce. Therefore, we MUST find the perfect mate so that the risk of divorce is nil.

The problem with searching for the perfect mate is that it is focused on you - how Mr. or Ms. Right is going to complete you.

Scott Croft gives a great description on biblical attraction in his article titled: "Brother, You're Like a Six" published on Boundless Webzine. Scott wrote:

In Scripture, love is described not as a mere emotion based on personal desire (i.e., "attraction"), but as an act of the will that leads to selfless actions toward others. According to Jesus himself, the second-greatest commandment (after loving God) is to "love your neighbor as yourself" (Mark 12:31). He also said "greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13). Jesus' love for us did not result from our inherent loveliness or our wonderful treatment of Him. He didn't go to the cross as a spontaneous response triggered by mere emotion. His perfect love of us was a choice, an act undertaken despite our lack of attractiveness — and it led to both sacrifice and joy.

Scott tells of a couple he was counseling. The male, in his quest for a "10," was having a problem making a commitment to his godly girlfriend.

He also said that, while he found her basically attractive, there was one feature of hers that he "just pictured differently" on the woman he would marry. I would ask about her godliness and character and faith, and he said all those things were stellar (and he was right). Finally, he said, "I guess I'm looking for a '10'."

I could hold back no longer. Without really thinking, I responded, You're looking for a '10'? But, brother, look at yourself. You're like a 'six.' If you ever find the woman you're looking for, and she has your attitude, what makes you think she would have you?"

Oh how often we at Cache' Connections want to say this! There are no 10's. Well, even if you find one, his or her ego would be intolerable or your feelings of jealousy or inferiority would eat the relationship from the inside out.

At Cache' Connections, we suggest taking a better look at biblical attraction. CLICK HERE to read the article in its entirety and to find the balance between biblical attraction and worldly attraction.

~ Linda
Cache' Connections

Monday, September 19, 2011

Do You Trust Me?

On Mondays, we are encouraged to join a group who fasts and prays for singles desiring marriage. To join the group and receive the weekly email blog, CLICK HERE.

Today's post is a reminder that attractive, educated single Christian women are becoming a statistic. Fortunately, the actual statistics are that there ARE enough guys around. It's just a matter of finding them ... or the guys coming out of hiding. Kirsten reminds us that trusting God with this important issue is a process.

Dear Fast and Pray-ers,

This is your reminder that we are fasting and praying for 1) marriages for those who long to be married and for 2) the courage to become the men and women God has created us to be, especially within relationships to the opposite sex. As you pray and fast, you might consider the words from Kirsten, one of our new contributors....

Hello! My name is Kirsten Harnett and it’s with grateful excitement that I contribute here for the first time. I am a 35-year old single, professional, Jesus-loving woman who was deeply touched by Connally’s book. Touched enough, actually, to track her down, get her on the phone, and spend time chatting about the realities of this unexpected life of current singleness. Working through this unique life space with clients is my specialty as a therapist, which, combined with my interest in writing, prompted Connally to extend an invitation to share some of my thoughts with this blog community.

My instinct today is simply to share from my heart a bit of where God has me on the journey. Like most of you, I never expected my life to look quite the way it does. By 35 I assumed that I would be married and have at least two children, preferably with a tall, dark, handsome, chiseled (but not overly so) masculine yet sensitive man with unmatched spiritual depth and maturity. But the years have passed, and while God has richly provided and blessed me in so many ways, these specific longings and unmet desires are still longed for, and unmet.

I find that at this stage I’ve had to become comfortable with what feels like a regular pendulum ride between states of contentment and frustration at not having the relationship I’ve hoped for. I strive for contentment and sometimes even feel pressure from both internal and external voices to be at peace regardless of my circumstances, yet confess that often I am not. Lately I’ve spent regular time in the land of discontent, unplugged from most hope that God will bring me a good man with whom I can partner in love and friendship on the road of life. When the millionth eharmony date or set up doesn’t come through, when efforts at pro-activity in my dating life fall flat, even when stepping back with the reasoning that “God needs space to work” and then nothing happens, it becomes increasingly hard to believe that good things will come.

Recently, on a particularly emotional evening, God and I wrestled over His presence (or seeming lack of presence) in this area of my life. In prayer and tears I found myself in the last verses of the book of John (21:15-23), where Jesus solicits Peter’s confession of love three times and appoints him leader of the church. Jesus asks, “Do you love me?” but what came to me as I read the words was my own name and not the word ‘love’ but ‘trust’: “Kirsten, do you trust me? Do you truly trust me? Do you trust me with your deepest longings and desires, that I am present in your waiting, and that regardless of what your life does or doesn’t look like your job is to follow me?”

It was (and continues to be) a moment of soul-searching. Can I trust Jesus with the things that are unclear, that aren’t yet determined, that may or may not be realized in the way I hope or long for? Can I trust him when friends around me are in relationships or planning weddings or having children and seem to have it all? Can I trust him when years go by and certain questions remain unanswered? Can I trust that He is good?

I wish I could respond with a resounding “Yes!”. The truth is that it’s a process. But something about the clarity with which He spoke to me in those moments points to the reality of God’s presence in the midst of cynicism and jadedness. I can’t know where the road will lead in regards to my or anyone else’s relationship future. What I do know is that God desires us to lean into our current life space with energy and gusto. Doing this involves accepting the moments we feel discouraged but embracing the moments of peace, harmony and joy. In the end it may not resolve every bit of unmet longing and feeling of discouragement. But it can renew hope. And, thankfully, hope is where God lives.



~~ Linda
Cache' Connections

Thursday, September 15, 2011


If I could be fired as a blogger, today might be my D-day. I admit I'm scurrying around the house getting ready to entertain guests in my home tonight. Ladies, you know how that goes. Race out of bed, go through your normal daily necessities and then add on a little cooking, cleaning, straightening. Then you go to work and you come home and you do some more cooking, cleaning and straightening. It's 8:00 a.m. and I already feel like I've put 8 hours of work in ... but enough about me.

Today's post is about women. I freely admit that this is one of those nuisance emails that gets forwarded, although I didn't detect a threat of bodily injury or curses if you do not forward it. It just reminded me how special and adaptable God made women. Sometimes we need to pat ourselves on the back and appreciate each other a little bit more, don't you agree? And to the men: this is the kind of helpmate God has in mind for you - what a gift! So here goes nothing:

Women have strengths that amaze men....

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy

and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in…

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer

when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally..

They cry when their children excel

and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about

a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,

yet they are strong when they

think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss

can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you

to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what

makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideas.

They give moral support to their

family and friends.

Women have vital things to say

and everything to give..



Please pass this along to all your women friends and relatives to remind them just how amazing they are…

One last aside, the phrase "makes the world keep turning" brings a smile to my face because my 21 year old son actually said that it's women like me who keep the world spinning around. It's nice to be appreciated. So go tell someone how much they have blessed your life, and keep on being a blessing for the glory of God.

~ Linda
Cache' Connections

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

"How Can I Be Sure She Is the Right One for Me?"

On the surface it sounds like a very fair question. When in a dating relationship that is getting serious, single males and females will fret, poll, stall, pray and count daisies to determine if their special someone is indeed their special someone.

I was reading on this topic from 2 different directions this week. First, it was part of a blog written by Sarah Jennings at Second, it was mentioned in the book I'm reading titled, "Get Married. What Women Can Do To Help It Happen." Both writers point out that this question is directed at self. It is a selfish question.

Ms. Jennings was writing about the popular show, "The Bachelor." She wrote: In his book Love & Responsibility, Fr. Wojtyla explains these perplexing relationship failures. He explains that this notion that we're supposed to find someone to "complete us" is off course. You see, when we date a person with the primary goal of experiencing pleasure - or a sense of "fulfillment" - we're actually using that person. Sure, we may like the person. But we're still using them as a means to our end, our pleasure. And using a person is the opposite of loving them.

Not only does using a person fail to nurture true love, but Fr. Wojtyla insists that the "pleasure approach" is impractical because it is very difficult to predict who will bring us the maximum amount of personal pleasure long-term (I think the Bachelors would agree here!). Thus begins the cycle of serial monogamy as we hop from one high to the next.

So how do we find true love if we can't just look for the person who gives us the biggest high? It's not that we shouldn't enjoy our mates. Quite the contrary. But we need to start off on a different foot. Fr. Wojtyla shares that true love finds its beginnings when two human beings make a free will commitment to a good, the greatest good being God. He writes, "Love... is conditioned by the common attitude of people towards the same good, which they choose as their aim, and to which they subordinate themselves."

Why does this work? In joining another for good, the focus becomes less, "What can you do for me?" (which is self-centered) to "What can we do together to serve God?"

And that's basically what author Candice Watters wrote. She quoted pastor Michael Lawrence's article titled, "Stop Test-Driving Your Girlfriend." He wrote, The question frames the entire decision-making process in fundamentally self-oriented - if not downright selfish - terms. And it puts the woman on an extended trial to determine whether or not she meets your needs, fits with your personality, and satisfies your desires. It places you at the center of the process, in the role of a window-shopper, or consumer at a buffet. In this scenario you remain unexamined, unquestioned, and unassailable - sovereign in your tastes and preferences and judgments.

Couldn't have said it better myself! So, it's not so much about you, male or female. (Think opening line of The Purpose Driven Life.) It's about what the two of you can do together to fulfill your purposes here on earth.

~ Linda
Cache' Connections

Monday, September 12, 2011

When the sky-high feelings start to wear off - then what?

Falling in love ... there is nothing like it. I hope everyone who is reading this has experienced the natural high that new love brings. At Cache' Connections, we've talked about it before - the sky is bluer, the air is sweeter, and your honey is simply a magnet that you can't pull yourself away from. These are actually brain chemicals working overtime for the first three or so months of a new love. Then reality sets in. Things gradually come down to normal and you start finding a few flaws in your beloved. You begin wondering if you've been duped or made a big mistake ...

A Facebook friend recently wrote to me:
Question: I have a friend who fell in love and after a month they are planning the wedding in November. I asked her if she has had any issues in the relationship. She said no, she is stuck on cloud 9 and I believe is blinded by this. Is it possible to find someone that clicks with you that well? I also have a theory that if there is that much happiness, that there could be equally that much anger hiding in the background building up to a bad situation. I feel like she is really rushing things.

My reply:
They are high on love drugs - endorphines, etc.. These start to wear off at 3 mos., then more at 6 mos., etc. They are definitely foolishly rushing things, but at least have til Nov. to realize each other is not perfect. Not sure about your theory ...Linda

We've said it before and we'll say it again. It takes T-I-M-E to learn if the two of you have what it takes to form a lasting marriage relationship. Life happens. Patterns and quirks are revealed. Family members play a part - as do hormones, history, career and other dramas of life.

Here's what one wise pastor said to a young lady who was upset to discover those sky-high feelings had begun to wane:

"Relationships ebb and flow. What's important is that this guy carries the qualities and characteristics of the godly man you've been waiting for."

With the divorce rates so high and so many broken adult children of divorce walking around in this country, why would you risk rushing into a marriage? Is love really that blind? And then on the opposite side, we have "serial daters" who are addicted to those chemical highs and drop out of sight when they start to wear off.

More on this topic tomorrow.

~ Linda
Cache' Connections

Friday, September 9, 2011

Dating - Dancing - Redefining

That's what we're up to at Cache' Connections, and we invite you to join us!

It's what we're all about - in a healthy, biblical manner that's pleasing to God. So if you are committed to connecting with other Christian singles, we invite you to check out Cache' Connections for a free two-week trial (new members) or join in at our special rate for September, which is 50% off of a Six Month subscription. You pay $49.98. Promo code: Sept2011 CLICK HERE for more info.

Join Chicagoland singles on September 17th for group dance lessons!

Saturday, 9/17
Fred Astaire Dance Studios
2356 W. Higgins Road
Hoffman Estates, IL 60169
7:00 - 9:30 pm
The experts at Fred Astaire are trained and ready to show you a good time, whether you are a seasoned dancer or new to the dance floor.

Kim and Linda met with Peoria, IL area pastors and singles leaders last week to unfold our plan for an area-wide singles group to be called "Christian Dating Redefined." This will be a ministry that crosses denominational walls and provides sound relationship advice along with a lot of connection possibilities in local areas. The meetings will be led by volunteers. The consensus of the Peoria area leaders was that "This is a no-brainer. I'm thrilled that Cache' Connections can meet a need that we, as a church, simply cannot meet at this time." Please consider approaching your church about hosting such a group and contact us for more information.


~Friday Nights
Open Chat ... for all Cache' Connections members
The Meeting Room
7:00 - 9:00 pm CST

~Saturday, 10/1
Cache' Quick Introductions
Fireside Cafe - West Side Christian Church
Springfield, IL

~Sunday, 10/2
Chat with Expert Emily
Topic: Boundaries in Dating
The Meeting Room
7:30 - 8:30 pm CST

~Friday, 10/14
Cache' Connections Speed Dating and Expo
United Methodist Life Center
Moline, IL
7 - 10:00 pm

Check the EVENTS TAB often and feel free to contact us with questions.

~ Linda
Cache' Connections

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Wondering if you are called to be single?

We believe there is a lot of confusion on the gift of singleness. Many singles who are coming up short in their quest for a love relationship sit back and ponder the question, "Am I called to remain single?"

Ponder no more! We've come across a pretty clear description of this gift in Candice Watters' new book titled, " Get Married - What Women Can Do to Help It Happen." Not surprisingly, Candice points to the Apostle Paul's teachings on spiritual devotion in celibacy, quoting 1 Corinthians 7:34: "The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband." It's important to realize that Paul also warned young widows who pledge themselves to celibate service may later find themselves wanting to break that pledge because of their sensual desires.

Worth noting is that the gift of singleness is not about:

a) self-centerdness
b) not being able to find/attract a mate
c) not being able to make a lifelong commitment to one person

The gift of singleness/celibacy is about is whole-hearted service to the Lord.

Candice writes: "Surveying the overarching themes of Paul's writings, it's clear that he believed an unmarried woman has the potential to serve the kingdom in a greater way, but if she is not gifted to overcome her vulnerability to sexual temptation and idleness, it is better for her to marry and serve God in marriage.

If you believe you can forgo marriage and its benefits - sex, children, companionship - and be fully expended in serving the Lord, you likely have the gift of celibacy, and many blessings would confer on you for living the life of selfless service to God. If, however, you frequently notice your sex drive and find it makes you vulnerable to temptation, and if you find it difficult to avoid idleness in order to have what Paul calls 'undistracted devotion to the Lord,' then you're called to marry. Marriage is not a compromise. It is not a spiritually inferior path. It's what God is calling you to be for your good and His glory."

We definitely recommend that gals and guys grab a copy of this book to take a deeper look into the virtues of marriage and what might be called "the state of non-union" in today's society and more importantly, what you might be able to do about it.

~ Linda
Cache' Connections

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

86% of American singles want to be married someday

I'm reading a great book by Candice Watters (Focus on the Family) titled "Get Married - What Women Can Do to Help it Happen. In her book, Candice points out some ways that women, men and the Church need to change their thinking about marriage and how to "marry well."

Marriage is a good thing - God created it! No one needs to be ashamed of this longing for companionship that God laid on your heart. Candice encourages women to be more outspoken about this desire to marry. One thing singles hear often is something like this: Just stop looking/wait on God/be content in your singleness. However, men especially are encouraged to find a wife in Proverbs 18:22:

"He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord." How do you find something? By proactively looking for it. Candice points out that "A majority of singles in the churches are in a state of transition, and they still need the support of the local church in marrying well."

She goes on to say, "Such support is not only practical, but biblical. The role of the body is to encourage young men and women - all those who aren't specially gifted for celibate service - toward marriage. That includes more than mere words. It means practical advice for marrying well. In Titus 2:4-5, Paul instructs the older women to teach the younger women how to live godly lives. Specifically, 'to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.' It only makes sense that if the young women are having trouble finding husbands in the first place, the older women have a vital rose to play in helping them marry well." CLICK HERE to read more and watch videos about this book and Candice Watters' ministry.

Hmmm ... where do we find these older women of the church who want to be matchmakers??

Tomorrow we will take a look at the calling to be single. Probably far too many singles are confused about this issue.

~ Linda
Cache' Connections

Friday, September 2, 2011

Great Relationship Assessment Tool from Focus on the Family

At Cache' Connections, we love helping people make better decisions about how they handle their relationships. Just the other night, a Facebook friend asked for advice on how to determine her boyfriend's intentions. Although he had stated that he wanted to marry her, he has not said anything else or done anything about moving forward in that direction.

DTR - Define The Relationship. If you are not familiar with this phrase, it's a common one in the area of dating. I came across this great article from Focus on the Family's Boundless Webzine titled, "Do You Have More Connection Than Clarity?" It even includes a nifty little assessment tool that will help you see where you stand with your "friend," and then send you an email with some sound advice. Here's part of that article:

DTR Assessment

Do you have a relationship with more connection than clarity?

When a guy and a girl have some level of attraction or chemistry, they often begin to demonstrate evidence of a growing connection. They spend time together. They begin opening up. They begin to show care for each other. They may show affection through touch or things they say or write.

But what does that evidence mean? Things that implied a promising relationship in another day are often just perks expected of a good friendship today. Additionally, many couples at various stages in their relationship now connect in ways that only engaged or married couples did in other times. begin the assessment!

Have you had a friendship or relationship develop to a point where there really seems to be something between you only to find yourself wondering where the momentum went — wondering if you're stuck or even losing ground?

It's the imbalance between the evidence of connection and clarity that can create anxiety in a relationship. Someone who feels a strong connection growing with another person but doesn't know his or her status with that person may feel vulnerable and maybe even taken advantage of.

When the evidence of connection greatly exceeds clarity, it's helpful for couples to have a "define the relationship" talk commonly known as a "DTR." This is a conversation between two people dating or contemplating dating to discuss where the relationship is heading. It can be as simple as, "Are we a couple or are we just friends attracted to each other," to "Is my boyfriend of 3 years thinking about marriage at all?"

DTRs can be scary. Done too soon (before a relationship has had some time to develop naturally) they can convey desperation and push the other person away. But they can also be done too late. People who don't want to mess up the delicate dance of a relationship may put off a DTR as long as possible. They might prefer to just enjoy their connection and hope for the best from each other rather than going through the awkward process of asking what their connection means in terms of exclusivity and the future.

We strongly encourage those who are in a dating relationship to read the rest of this article and take the assessment. Most folks who are over the age of 30 or so don't have time to waste on relationships that are heading nowhere. DTR!

CLICK HERE to read the article and take the assessment.

Have a great weekend!

~ Linda
Cache' Connections