Tuesday, June 29, 2010
From a young lady: She has been talking to a guy many years her senior, although it has never materialized into a dating relationship. In the meantime, another guy has come onto the scene who is closer to her age and she wants to pursue a relationship with him. So the question is ... should I tell guy number 1, or just keep talking to him and keep it quiet about guy number 2?
Our answer: Since you are clearly interested in guy number 2, it is important to be truthful and upfront with guy number 1. First of all, you do not want to risk a relationship with guy number 2 when he finds out you have been talking to another guy without telling him about it. Guys can have rather fragile egos when it comes to their relationships, so discovering this little secret would be quite a blow. Besides, you want him to treat you with integrity and honesty, so it is important that you treat him the same way. Even though it's hard to break the news to guy number 1, he too will respect you for your truthfulness.
From a young man: "When is it appropriate to ask for a girl's contact information? We have had some emails go back and forth, but I don't want to come across too pushy or forward and scare her away."
And then after posting this question on my Facebook wall, I received a similar question from a 40'ish male: "I was at a party and met someone I liked and we talked for 15-20 minutes, however I didn't feel it was appropriate to ask for a woman's phone number after such a short conversation. She seemed receptive, but some people need some time before giving out contact info."
Our answer: There is a fine line of showing your interest and coming across as a little "scary." First of all, it is important to try to "read the signs" that the girl might be conveying through her words or body language. We understand that this is a little more difficult for guys though. So, we would suggest letting her know you are interested because it's important to be intentional, but after that, it's all in the delivery. For instance, in the case of the emails, we suggested sending an email telling her that he has enjoyed talking to her and why he's enjoyed the conversations and that he looks forward to communicating further. Then, let her respond back and see if she too shows a similar interest. That sets the scene to now ask her how she feels about talking over the phone. So, you've stated your intent, but you've given her the power to decide when she's ready which takes away the "scary" factor.
In the case of meeting in a face-to-face setting, remember, you have a small window of time in these situations. As the conversation is coming to a close, let her know that you really enjoyed talking with her and would really like to continue the conversation. Remember, guys are supposed to be the pursuers and women appreciate men being intentional. But, a woman likes to know she is in control of the circumstances... (am I freaking you out yet, guys:) So the next step would be to ask her how SHE feels about talking further. (So you're letting her know you're interested, but still letting her make the decision on whether to exchange contact info.) If she seems agreeable, then ask her if she would like to exchange contact information and let her decide what and how. Shoot, just reading this over makes me feel real sorry for you guys sometimes:)
From a young lady: "I'm thinking I should wait to kiss until I get married because I'm worried kissing can lead to compromising on my commitment to abstinence until marriage." Well... don't get us started on this one. It kind of reminds us of "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." We actually don't see anything wrong with kissing before marriage and honestly we recommend it! Intimacy is an important part of a love relationship... it is just important to state the boundaries when you reach this point. Kissing, holding hands, light cuddling are exciting, wonderful things in a relationship. But, we know that God has planned intimate sexual relationships for marriage only. So if you find yourselves "pushing the envelope," then it's time to pull back and set some new boundaries; such as, we are not going to put ourselves in circumstances that are conducive to making it easy to cross these boundaries. And, as relationships grow and a couple becomes closer, obviously it will become more difficult, but an agreement to keep to this commitment will get you through. And remember, that God's blessing will follow, so it's worth the wait!
So, feel free to shoot us your questions. We'll do our best to get you an answer as soon as possible. Don't forget about our chats that provide some excellent advice also. Check out "Scheduled Events" for our chat schedule.
Take care - Kim