Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Excerpts from last night's chat with "Dr. Steve"
We had a terrific time in The Meeting Room last night with Dr. Stephen W. Simpson, author of "What Women Wish You Knew About Dating." Here are some snippets:
DrSteve: So, lady and gentlemen, what shall we discuss? Quantum physics? Dating?
Chatter: I vote for quantum physics - at least there are answers :-)
Linda: How about we open a can of Chapter 2?
Chatter: Dr Steve I had not idea there were guys and men out there until I read this chapter in black and white. And the examples were great and insightful.
DrSteve: Indeed there are guys and men. Big difference. Glad it was helpful.
Chatter: that's definitely true.
DrSteve: Do you think women can tell the difference between the two? If so, how?
Chatter: Men are more mature and self confident?
DrSteve: Yep. Not a quiz, I'm more curious about what women pick up on the differences between guys and men.
DrSteve: First of all, only men use Cache Connections . . . right?
Chatter: I have a question statement for you all. Why is it that men don't respond when we are matched? I would even like one to say not interested just to see it in writing.
DrSteve: (Chatter), I think you probably know the reasons . . . But what would you say if a guy did write and say he wasn't interested?
Chatter: It doesn't leave you hanging waiting for a reply wondering. You know the score.
Chatter: That is an interesting dynamic. Usually on both sides no response means "not interested".
Chatter: Dr Steve, what if he does respond but you find out later that he really is not interested. What causes that kind of behavior? Fear of what?
DrSteve: some guys can't find a nice middle ground between being a total nice guy and blowing you off. It's hard for most of us because it requires us to live in tension, which requires a lot of maturity.
Chatter: ohhh well I for one would not want anyone to live in tension.
Chatter: Maybe it would help if they learned a "blow off" haha phrase to use and practice it nicely?
Chatter: That works both ways though, women blow off guys by not responding all the time.
DrSteve: The problem is that there's really not a way to "blow off" someone that's pain free for either person. That's what I mean by tolerating the tension.
Chatter: I have heard men say they don't like being rejected if they make the first move. So I have tried it and gotten rejected but I don't think I took it as hard as the guys do. As (Chatter) said once guys just don't talk about things.
DrSteve: It's more about integrity than finding an easy way to do it.
Chatter: something simple like you live too far away. I know your not interested then.
Chatter: Dr. Steve...should men always do the pursuing?
DrSteve: Not necessarily. A lot of that comes down to cultural and personal preference issues.
Chatter: I don't mind being rejected, but I want to know Why? not some fabricated, statement. I am secure with myself enough to accept the truth, unlike Jack Nicholson "who could not handle the truth" Ha Ha!!
DrSteve: By integrity I mean being honest that it's not a good match instead of dragging things out trying to find an easy way out.
Chatter: Would something simple like thank you for the compliment in contacting me, but I do not feel we are a good match be too vague?
DrSteve: Nope. That does the trick.
Chatter: it would be too vague (chatter). It might just be something like you are too old, or too young, etc.
Chatter: Good point, if you don't know it is hard to learn and move forward successfully....
DrSteve: I'm going to respectfully disagree, and here's why. Finding out the specifics of why someone rejected you won't help you much because . . . 1) It's far too subjective. Something one person doesn't like might not register for another person. And another person might like the thing someone else dislikes!
Chatter: Good point, Dr. Steve.
2) It's going to hurt in a way that's not helpful 99% of the time.
Chatter: I think a number of guys take a rejection as an assault on their manhood or self worth, where it is really just two puzzle pieces that just don't fit.
Chatter: My security is not in another person, so no matter the reason she rejects me, i am Ok with it. It's more about that person and a reflection of who they are and not me.
DrSteve I agree.
Chatter: True. Taking rejection personally is counterproductive.
Chatter: Well I look at it this way so if a girl does tell me she isn't interested what is the worst than can happen? Will i die? Will I get sick? I say go for the the gusto.
Chatter: So Dr.Steve what do women want?
DrSteve: It's impossible to say what "women" want. Dating is about finding out about what one woman and one man want.
Chatter: Exactly, Dr. Steve.
Linda: I know! Women want to be pursued.
Chatter: So why do so many "men" not want to pursue?
DrSteve: The problem is that "pursued" means different things to different women. And ... Pursuit can devolve into game-playing without clear communication of intention. Not cool.
Chatter: I pursued someone yesterday and want to know what happened?
Chatter: She told me today how she did not want to go out on a "coffee date" with me because she was working on her relationship with God, after she told me the other night how excited she was when she walked into a restaurant filled with attractive professional men. Riddle me that Batman? If you would please. I am not very confident that she was telling me the whole or true story.
DrSteve: Note to everyone in the room: Do not play the God card when rejecting someone.
Chatter: (Chatter), she wasn't interested. She was a little uncouth about it. Maybe more than a little. I think she did you a favor.
Chatter: Probably so!! and that's ok, remember, it's more about her, than me!
Linda: Explain the Dr. card Dr. - God card I mean.
DrSteve: Same thing. JUST KIDDING!
DrSteve: Don't say you're not going out with someone because of anything related to spiritual reasons, even if you fully believe it's true (which it's probably not).
DrSteve: Here's an observation for everyone: Do you guys notice the hurt behind a lot (not all) of the questions?
Chatter: no questions are good - LOL!
Chatter: I do, Drsteve, honestly.
Chatter: And it is on both sides.
Chatter: Yeah, it does hurt to be lied to. It's disrespectful.
DrSteve: The questions are great, but I think a lot of them are coming from feeling wounded at some point.
Linda: We can always tell how a member has been burned by their dealbreakers and what gets them fired up.
DrSteve: I bring it up to say this -- though we need to protect our hearts, we can't let fear, hurt, or anger rule us as we try to move forward in love and life. (sorry for sounding a bit like a Hallmark card there).
Chatter: I'm of the opinion that anger and hurt can be overcome. That's what our faith in God is for... right?
Chatter: I have a question, should I confront this person and tell them I don't think they are being forthright in their response Dr. Steve. The woman that's playing the God card?
DrSteve: You can, but it will be more for you than her. You probably won't be affecting her much, but it's fine for you to express your feelings if it will help you.
Chatter: Might it help her to confront her dishonesty and how she deals with men?
Chatter: Some tough love for you (Chatter). You're making this woman too important. Anyone that acts that way is not someone you want to be with anyway, so why waste time and energy on her that you could spend on someone who is worthy?
Chatter: This is going to come out sounding harsh - but you are going to validate her saying no by trying to prove yourself right.
Chatter: hmmmm im in Sales for 23 yrs this rejection thing is easy!
Linda: Next Chat: (Chatter) teaches on rejection!!
Chatter: I guess you're right, just accept it for what it is and move on.
DrSteve: She's probably not lying, per se. She's more likely lying to herself. Most of the time people believe the things they say in these situations. We're good at talking ourselves into believing things that make life easier.
Chatter: I just find many times it isn't me they are rejecting they don't understand themselves.
DrSteve: Dating requires boldness, there's no question about it. That's why you need an exciting, interesting life going outside of romantic pursuits. If your life is about finding love, the stakes become too high.
Chatter: dr steve amen i like that. So I should take up hang gliding I guess or cliff diving?
DrSteve: It doesn't have to be dangerous . . .
DrSteve: We should talk about that whole "God has someone picked out for you thing" sometime. Maybe after you guys get to the chapter on myths in the book.
Chatter: Dr Steve this is a good book and I have to force myself to not finish in one evening.
Chatter: So is being a guy vs a man a choice?
DrSteve: Most guys have to make a conscious decision to become men.
Linda: I'd love for the good dr. to chat about seeking an equal match, what that looks like. Seems about 95% of the men have their sights set on 9's and 10's.
DrSteve: The whole "9 or 10" thing can come from a lot of sources. A lot of guys just haven't dated enough to learn that there is more to it than that.
Linda: more to it than Looks????????????????????????? (sarcasm implied)
Chatter: Linda what do you mean by equally matched? Equally yoked?
Linda: No I mean based on what you bring to the table: looks, fitness, earning power, personality, all that stuff.
DrSteve: Hmm, there's a difference between Social Exchange, which is what you're talking about, and superficiality, which is where you get the over-emphasis on looks.
DrSteve: Appearance can also be a status thing for guys -- they want the trophy wife as much as someone who turns them on.
Chatter: guilty dr steve.
Linda: how can we crank down the expectations of the 40- 50- something never marrieds who still are holding out for a 10?
DrSteve: Tell them that they seem to be putting the emphasis in the wrong place and not giving intimacy a chance to develop.
Linda: ever talk to a wall, doc?
DrSteve: They could be missing out because they're hyper-focused on only one aspect of a relationship -- one that diminishes in importance as time goes on.
DrSteve: You really can't do much to change their minds, it's true.
DrSteve: I just told you what to say -- not that it would work.
Chatter: Linda....i think you should ask them how's that working for you?
There are more silly and insightful comments, too many to quote. Join us next Monday at 8:00 pm CST as Founder Linda continues this discussion with Chapter 3 of the book.
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