Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Wanting the perfect mate?
We had a very interesting chat last night on "perfectionistic" dating, based on Chapter 7 of The Singlehood Phenomenon by Drs. Tom and Bev Rodgers. Here are some excerpts:
Linda: Hi everyone.
Linda: Did everyone see today's video announcement? If anyone didn't see the video, it gives a good glimpse of Jared who we are going to discuss.
Chatter G: I did not see the video will I be out in the cold?
Linda: So, does anyone know a single who seems to be a terminal dater? Maybe perpetual is a better term. Always going from one lady to the next, seeking a new high? Well did you know that there are chemicals in the brain that make people act that way?
Chatter J: Really? Do tell...
Linda: Well, we will get to that. but this chapter (my favorite) talks about Jared, who had everything going for him. But he went from beautiful woman to beautiful woman, even tried to perfect them by suggesting they take masters courses. He even asked one gal to take elocution lessons b/c he didn't like her voice! The Nerve!
Chatter J: wow.
Linda: These perfectionistic daters are a product of society. We've been sold a notion so unrealistic that it's impossible. A perpetual quest for the perfection we see in TV, magazines, toothpaste ads...
Chatter B: Are they easy to spot?
Linda: Just check the trail of broken hearts, B.
Chatter C: That is why we cannot follow the world's standards. I have been guilty of that in my younger years but have since repented.
Linda: So, everyone agrees that attraction and chemistry are important, right?
Chatter C: Yes, must have chemistry and attraction.
Chatter G: Amen.
Linda: No arguments, I assume? (cough cough)
Chatter L: Absolutely!
Chatter C: If you don't have chemistry with your spouse, it will make things tough in a marriage. Attraction both inside and out must be there.
Linda: Drs. Rodgers, authors of The Singlehood Phenomenon, say there is entirely too much emphasis on these aspects of the relationship.
Chatter H: Interesting!
Chatter C: I want a women attractive on the inside (more importantly), and also on the outside.
Linda: Too much emphasis causes singles to overlook other aspects of mate selection such as similar values, compatibility, common religious beliefs, etc.
Chatter G: Not that it is correct but our society encourages this. Everywhere you look.
Chatter L: I want a combo.
Linda: It's important to know the difference between Love and Infatuation. Anyone want to take a stab at that?
Chatter G: 1 Cor 13 i think describes the perfect love.
Faye: Love is not infatuation was my favorite part of the chapter - it really explains things I have seen.
Chatter C: I think we all want the total package - Spiritually in tact, good heart, common interests, values, physical attraction.
Linda: What's important C, is that the physical attraction can actually Grow on you after the hearts are connected.
Chatter B: Linda....I'm not sure most men are willing to wait for that.
Linda: So F, want to explain to the class the difference between love and infatuation?
Chatter L: B! You read my mind!
Chatter F: Well infatuation is when your heart is racing and you can't stop thinking about what you Think someone is like. Love is learning who the other person is and growing to respect and love them for it.
Linda: Great F! Infatuation causes us to put on rose colored glasses and idealize our mate; brushing off their shortcomings and emphasizing their attributes.
Chatter B: And see them as who we want them to be....not who they really are?
Chatter L: Who does more idealizing? Men or women?
Chatter C: Us men do L.
Linda: Yes B. So, then after 3 months to 4 years, when reality sets in and chemicals wear off, we take a look at "her" and see that she is a mere human and give her the boot.
Chatter B: Interesting ...
Chatter C: That is why you have to check every nook and cranny. Always Guard Your Heart. Don't go by emotions, look at everything. Sometimes people fall too fast for a person. Take it slow and do it right.
Chatter G: So you're saying that Love is also a decision?
Chatter B: Love is a verb, an action, a decision....not a feeling.
Chatter C: Don't go by emotions, look at everything. Sometimes people fall too fast for a person.
Linda: Oh G, you are skipping ahead! Did you read the chapter???
Chatter G: No, lol.
Linda: True C, but it works the other way too.
Chatter L: Can men set their visual tendencies to the side? I'm not so sure...
Linda: Too often a single will dismiss someone b/c they don't fit the "type" or look they desire... and let a good one slip by.
Chatter B: Looking for a blind man?
Linda: LOL B.
Linda: Did u guys read my blog about pinkish hue cheeks on Friday?
Chatter F: Hahaha sure did.
Chatter B: Great post Linda....almost as good as the one today!
Linda: It's a must read guys. So anyway, in the blog I divulge a secret. That is ... i was not really my husband's "type". Imagine my chagrin after 25 years of wedded bliss!
Chatter B: Wow....after all these years!
Chatter F: I just stared a the screen when I saw that.
Chatter J: Wow!
Linda: Yeah, turns out he was attracted typically to petite women. As if!
Chatter L: Was he yours?
Linda: Basically. I think I was too young to really have the type perfected in my mind. Him too, really. Older singles have a much clearer vision of him or her which adds to the dilemma.
Chatter F: I love when he said that if he had overlooked you what he would have missed.
Chatter J: Wow.
Linda: Turns out I guess he liked my sparkly personality and maybe my pheromones.
Chatter G: LOL I know that word.
Linda: So, his Rule No. 1 is you Have to meet someone, don't rely on a photo!!!
Chatter R: I agree with that!
Linda: Of course you need to have those dealmakers/breakers in line and a general appeal to their look. Some things just are not going to work and you can see that.
Chatter L: I find that men are less likely to contact me if I don't post a photo...
Chatter J: Photo is a must on a dating site.
Linda: Yes photo is a must. Otherwise they think what are you hiding? (assuming). Am I right?
Chatter L: I was just trying not to be chosen based on looks! :)
Linda: L, put your best face forward :)
Chatter J: Guys don't really work like that, L.
Linda: Yes, guys like pictures. Women like words.
Chatter G: OK qualities matter over looks, how do you get over it?
Linda: So ready for some drugs? Ok, so. Let's understand these crazy chemicals for a minute.
Chatter F: I do believe that is how God wired us.
Linda: Did you know we are attracted to people whose DNA will work harmoniously with our own? Part of God's perfect design. There is a section of DNA called HLA that functions to develop your immune system. If you mate with someone with the opposite HLA code, then your offspring will have a greater immunity to diseases.
Chatter J: Ok. Wow. That's interesting.
Linda: We are more attracted to people who have a dissimilar HLA code.
Chatter S: Wow, tell me more.
Chatter R: How do I find one that is opposite of me?
Linda: Well you could order blood tests R, but I think that Mother Nature guides. Also, your nose knows. On some level we register a scent and respond to it emotionally and physically.
Chatter G: I feel like a hound dog now.
Chatter F: Hahahahahahaha.
Linda: A great deal of the power of chemistry may come from the biochemical changes that occur within a person as he or she becomes infatuated. Those chemicals contribute to your feelings of well being and euphoria.
Chatter L: So how is someone supposed to expand his/her horizons if he/she is just following the DNA?
Linda: Learning the truth about all these chemicals can help you recognize what's really going on. There's more: dopamine, serotonin, hormones, norepinephrine.
Generally associated with feelings of a high, exhilaration, energy, etc.
Chatter B: Is there a low after the high?
Linda: Yes, these wear off beginning at 3 months and all are gone at Year 4. The point is that people act/react based on these feelings that are not lasting. They make judgments that are not sound.
Chatter R: 4 years? That's a long time.
Chatter B: Interesting....which is why infatuation doesn't last.
Linda: So remember in the video announcement I spoke of Jared from this chapter, a client of the Drs. Rodgers. He was verrrry picky, a perfectionist dater. He was operating based on these chemicals, not real love. Not the qualities that last.
Chatter G: "Singin where o where are u tonight why did u leave me here all alone i searched the world over and thought i found true love u saw another anptttths u were gone."
Chatter M: Chemistry is great, but there are still things that are deal makers and deal breakers.
Linda: Yes M. Dealmakers and breakers are a given, given they are reasonable :) So back to Jared ... the Drs. taught Jared a more healthy process of mate selection.
They didn't want him to "settle", but they counseled him to be more realistic, conscious, and healthy about the women to whom he was attracted. Jared wasn't allowing God to help in the mate selection, he wasn't trusting Him. So Jared finally met Marie, a warm, vivacious compassionate social worker. Not His Usual Type because she was divorced and not a supermodel type. But she did have an earthy natural beauty that drew people to her. At first he didn't feel that powerful chemistry so he kept his distance. The Drs. had to encourage him to look harder and he found there was indeed chemistry. It was just Different that what he experienced before. Jared ended up marrying Marie.
There are many more comments from the chatters, many of them funny! Join us for other chats! This Thursday evening Kim will be leading a chat on Health and Nutrition. Be aware ... it may not be what you think! Click here for all scheduled chats.