Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Quotes from last night's chat with "Dr.Steve"
In last night's leader-led chat, the group enjoyed chatting with Dr. Stephen W. Simpson, author of "What Women Wish You Knew About Dating," the topic of the last several weeks' chats. Here are a few quotable highlights, albeit a little rough:
Dr. Steve: You mean a woman wants you to call but then won't return the call at all? Then she's not really that interested unless she promises to write as soon as she has time.
Trying to analyze motives is a one way ticket to crazytown. It's much better to ask outright why someone does something.
Chatter: Do guys like women to be out right and direct about everything?
Dr. Steve: In general, yes. But you can be honest without being transparent. For example . . . If you don't like a guy, you can say, "I don't feel like this is a good fit" instead of "you're a bit too overweight for me and our conversations are boring." The important think is that you don't leave someone guessing about where things are headed.
Chatter: So be upfront honest but be nice?
Dr. Steve: You got it.
Chatter: Treat others like you would want to be treated is generally a good rule of thumb.
Dr. Steve: And don't try to guess what someone is thinking. If it's bugging you, just ask. If it makes it easier, admit that asking is difficult for you and you need they're patience. Letting other people in on your process is much better, in general, than trying to present the best possible image. For example, telling someone "I'm really wondering if you're interested but it's really embarrassing for me to ask you because I'm afraid it will scare you away." Letting people know what you're thinking is usually much more effective than trying to hide it. And if they don't like that, they're probably not a good fit for you anyway.
Dr. Steve: My theology on this is a bit different than the typical evangelical line, though I believe it's Biblical. I don't think God has someone picked out for you. I think God enters into the relationship when both people invite Him in, especially at marriage. Before that, I think we need to work at relationships.
... on how Dr. Steve met his wife: It wasn't a date. We just ended up sitting next to each other and she seemed really curious about me. Always a good sign... Yes, but small talk that progresses to deeper talk is also a good sign. It doesn't have to get too deep, like about past traumas, but a first conversation that gets beyond small talk is a good start.
Flirting is just being a little extra nice. Smile more. Ask more questions. Give the guy a light, brief touch on the arm or back (which he will absolutely notice, even if it's for a nanosecond). Think of it as turning the volume up on your personality. Be yourself, just turned up a little louder.
Online chatting is a great way to Meet someone.
Phone chatting is a way to Begin to get to know someone.
Nothing in the world substitutes meeting face to face. It's crucial, but not just for reasons of physical attraction. We all communicate things about ourselves in thousands of subtle, nonverbal ways. This is one of the reasons that someone attractive sometimes doesn't photograph well. You will not get the full experience of person until you are face to face. I'm constantly encouraging people to make the online intro aspect as short as possible and try to get together Asap. It can just be for coffee if not a bona fide date.
Coffee Is Never A Date. Argh. Try to start a movement with your book and nobody notices. Pity party over here.
Chatter: Do you think it's possible for male/female friendships if at least one knows it isn't going to lead to anything deeper?
Dr. Steve: If one person has romantic feelings, I think it's very difficult to have a friendship that won't eventually lead to hurt feelings for one or both.
Research shows that most people know within the first three dates if the relationship has long-term potential. There are exceptions, but that's the trend.
Chatter: Try to keep up the work Dr of stopping the hanging out movement. It is not good.
Dr. Steve: Thanks. People drive themselves nuts with games and half-measures. If you have a firm identity and sense of purpose rooted in your relationship with God, boldness and honesty is a million times easier.
A lot of dudes were pursuing my wife when we first met. She says I was the only one upfront about my intentions and that's one of the reasons we started dating.
Thanks all! May God be with you in whatever you're doing and wherever you're going!
Join me next week as we discuss Chapter 9, The Casual First Date. Click here for chat and other event information.