Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Practical Communication Tips from "Dr. Steve"
Last night's chat was based on Chapter 8 of Dr. Stephen W. Simpson's book, "What Women Wish You Knew About Dating." This is a great chapter with some basic tips on how to go about initiating contact with a woman. Although it's geared a little toward the younger and less experienced daters, there's something for everyone to learn. So here are the basics:
You have to talk to her. Dr. Steve says the No. 1 complaint he hears from Christian women is that Christian men aren't assertive enough. So don't just stand on the sidelines waiting for love to "just happen." You need to initiate conversation and we will tell you how.
But first, there are 3 things that need to happen before you ask a woman out:
1. You need to find her attractive.
2. You need to make sure she's not dating anyone else.
3. You need to have a minimum of one hour of engaging conversation (we would add this can be online or by telephone)
Here are 5 simple rules for the first conversation (written from the perspective of a face-to-face meeting):
1. Warm up for the conversation. Relax - she's not going to hurt you. Take deep breaths and recall a funny story. One tip Dr. Steve recommends is to look at her nostrils :) "Nobody is intimidating when you're looking at their nose hair."
2. Ask questions. Introduce yourself, ask her name, where she's from, how she happened to hear about this event, etc. Find out the basics and then go a little deeper - but don't get too personal. No bragging here - just give her a chance to talk about herself with an attentive ear.
3. Watch for Nonverbal cues. These are great! Good signs are: good eye contact, her face is directly in front of yours, open posture, smiling, laughing, tossing hair back, whispers something to you, a handshake or quick touch, asking questions and long answers to yours, playing with her hair or necklace, nodding. Not-so-good signs: glancing around the room, arms crossed, little emotional expression, slowly stepping away from you, short answers, no questions, making excuses to leave, talking about her boyfriend.
4. Be honest. Don't try to impress her or agree with everything she says or likes. Telling the truth upfront will save you trouble later. Research shows that women expect deception from men with romantic interest in them. Be a man of integrity and let her know you're a solid man who's comfortable and confident with his identity.
5. Assess the conversation afterward. Did you have more in common than not? Did she seem to enjoy talking to me and express interest in talking again? Did I enjoy talking to her? If the answers are yes, that's a good sign, but don't ask her out yet. Get her phone number if you think you won't see her again, but you need to talk to her again before asking for a date.
Whew! That's enough for today. Stay tuned for 5 simples rules for asking a woman out.