A friend sent me an article published in Psychology Today titled The Truth About Beauty. This topic is always timely, but it reminded me of a conversation I was having with a female I was working with this week through the Cache' Connections Mentoring Services. We were talking about what colors look best on her (she had no idea), and I was encouraging her to wear at least a little bit of makeup for her upcoming photo session. She was very open to receiving my suggestions, and admitted she was stuck in a rut about the plain style of clothing she usually chose. I believe I used the phrase, "If you want to catch a fish, you have to bait the hook."
While the article is a bit harsh and the usage of the term evolved is a bit scary, it does reveal some hard truths. The truth is that that men are wired by God to be visual, and it doesn't look like this basic fact of life is going to change any time soon, despite the feminist movement and other female grumblings.
These truths were first confirmed for me when I read Shaunti Feldhahn's little book titled "For Women Only," based on Shaunti's interview with over 1,000 men. This book and it's counterpart, "For Men Only," are high on Cache' Connections' Recommended Reading list. Chapter 8 of "For Women Only" is titled "The Truth About the Way You Look," and Shaunti's basic finding states: The effort you put into your appearance is extremely high on his priority list. Yet the chances that you know his true feelings are extremely low. If this is true for married men, how much more true is it for single men seeking a mate?
But Christian women will say, "What kind of a Christian is he? Doesn't he realize it's what's inside my heart that counts?" To which most of them would respond with something like: "It starts with attraction, then everything else must fall into place from there."
We're not saying that you have to be size 2 and sport the Barbie Doll look. We find, as Shaunti did, that oftentimes it's the simple fact that you care enough to take care of yourself and look good for "the man," not that you look like someone he just saw on the front of Vogue magazine at the checkout stand. Worth mentioning is that it is true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What is attractive to one person might not do anything for another. And it does work both ways, to a degree, so we suggest that guys and dolls both take a healthy self-assessment of their health, weight, appearance and style and pray and ask God what changes might need to be made. It's a great idea to enlist the opinion of a trusted friend or relative who is good for an honest opinion.
As Shaunti says, "But what's on the outside does matter. And when we seem to be willfully ignoring that truth, our men - even godly men who are devoted to us - end up feeling disregarded, disrespected, and hurt."
~ Linda
Cache' Connections
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4 comments:
Linda,
Thank you for your bravery in posting a much needed discussion. I recently had a frank conversation with my pastor as a couple of ladies labeled me as being shallow for being interested in how a woman looks on the outside. My pastor assured me that although the physical is not the primary element that will ultimately keep two people together, it is a part of the equation and without that part or let’s call it - initial spark; the ship may never leave the port. I was relieved to hear that as I cannot totally ignore my inner thoughts and feelings and that it did not diminish or dilute my desire to still strive to be a Godly man.
I strive to live a disciplined healthy lifestyle. There is never a question of will I exercise today, it is just a part of my existence as is eating and sleeping, it keeps me healthy, keeps me feeling good which leads to the wonderful by-product of looking good in clothes. So if a lady does not share in some on this lifestyle, if she weights more than me, if she does not care what she looks like, then most likely she would not be approached. I know that sounds harsh, but I make the choice to work out, I could choose not to. I also choose to groom, I shave, I comb my hair, I wear cologne (I never want to small bad, HUGE turn off for men if a women smells bad) and I take great care of my teeth, this is all important to health and appearance. Re how one dresses, not a huge deal, most may not be able to afford Armani, who cares…if you take care of yourself, you will look good with off the rack Wal-Mart!!!
Love you all
Linda,
Thank you for your bravery in posting a much needed discussion. I recently had a frank conversation with my pastor as a couple of ladies labeled me as being shallow for being interested in how a woman looks on the outside. My pastor assured me that although the physical is not the primary element that will ultimately keep two people together, it is a part of the equation and without that part or let’s call it - initial spark; the ship may never leave the port. I was relieved to hear that as I cannot totally ignore my inner thoughts and feelings and that it did not diminish or dilute my desire to still strive to be a Godly man.
I strive to live a disciplined healthy lifestyle. There is never a question of will I exercise today, it is just a part of my existence as is eating and sleeping, it keeps me healthy, keeps me feeling good which leads to the wonderful by-product of looking good in clothes. So if a lady does not share in some on this lifestyle, if she weights more than me, if she does not care what she looks like, then most likely she would not be approached. I know that sounds harsh, but I make the choice to work out, I could choose not to. I also choose to groom, I shave, I comb my hair, I wear cologne (I never want to small bad, HUGE turn off for men if a women smells bad) and I take great care of my teeth, this is all important to health and appearance. Re how one dresses, not a huge deal, most may not be able to afford Armani, who cares…if you take care of yourself, you will look good with off the rack Wal-Mart!!!
Love you all
Agree with Anonymous. There are some women out there that seem to have this attitude "take me as I am", which is fine if the guy doesn't mind that! This may be news to you: God accepts us unconditionally as we are, but He doesn't want to stay where we are. He wants us to get better and grow!
So should we unconditionally accept others as God does? Yes. But when it comes to dating, courting and marriage, well, we need to know in our hearts we can live with the person, even with their faults. You can walk away from your co-workers, friends and acquaintances but you cannot walk away from your spouse (If you obey God's commands) So choose wisely!
Yet I see that women are frustrated when they realize that can't seem to find a quality guy. Well...if you let yourself go and you're lazy, overweight (which you KNOW is not healthy) and have a devil-may-care attitude, then how is a man who is consistently bettering himself in all areas of his life, including the physical - for his own good and to honor God - remember our bodies are a temple of the Holy Spirit - going to find you attractive?
Not if you're wallowing around, complaining "I'm so tired, overworked", etc. Maybe it's time to evaluate how you're spending your time and taking care of yourself.
No one's asking you to be something you're not. We're not asking you to be a model or an actor. But if you're slacking and expect someone that you know full well you can't reach right now, a word to the wise: Take care of yourself! We want you to be around for a while! And you may find someone to your liking, too!
Yes...agreed! I have met various gals online and some actually show up unkempt-as if they didn't know they were meeting someone. One didn't seem to have brushed her hair. Another had dirty fingernails (big turn off). I work hard and from time to time on dirty projects but I make sure my nails are clean! I think its really about taking care of yourself...Not being Miss America but looking your best and taking care of our bodies! Healthy lifestyle...eating right contribute much.
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