Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Authentic dating from last night's chat
We had quite a crowd in "the box" last night, as people had nowhere else to go with all of the heavy snow and closings. The topic of the night was based on Chapter 3 of Cache' Connections dvd titled: Christian Dating ... Redefined. Authentic Dating. Sounds refreshing, right? Here are some highlights from the chat:
Linda: who can give me an example of how to approach dating with authenticity?
Chatter: dating with the right motives.
Linda: what kind of motives?
Chatter: People sometimes figure out their motives in hindsight, as in, Hmm, I got on this website on a dare, but now that I have met a few people, I realize that with my kids and job, I don't have the time.
Chatter: I guess for me it would be to go with pure motives, not bc you are trying to get back at someone u dated or someone broke your heart and so you are just going out with someone else to fill that void that other person left.
Linda: So dating with authenticity starts with being a healthy dater. right?
Chatter: yeah, you have to have yourself on track first.
Chatter: yes, be the right person for God before being the right person for someone human.
Chatter: It takes very little commitment to press a few buttons on a web site. If you do not have to work very hard, then it is "easy come, easy go."
Linda: ok, then what? let's say you see a girl you kinda like at church or small group or the paint store.
Chatter: i think she wants to know what would you do.
Linda: i think i do too.
Chatter: I may strike up a conversation with her, if she is approachable.
Linda: ok let's say that happens and it goes well. would you dance around for a week or a month or would you plain ask her out on a "date"?
Chatter: how about "I would like to get to know you better..."
Linda: good answer! So what is the goal of this first date you just landed?
Chatter: the paint store? Thanks, that's my problem, I have not been spending enough time in Home Depot! :)
Chatter: Dr. Simpson says: Make sure she knows it is a date - in the book.
Chatter: to get to know him/her.
Linda: and ... to see how well you connect.
Linda: is it to make him/her like you? is it to make her laugh? to impress her?
Chatter: No, don't impress her.
Chatter: that's a timeless principle: be yourself.
Chatter: Last person I took to dinner wrote back: you are doubtless the most intelligent person I have ever met. Not what I necc. want to be remembered for on a date. Better luck next time?
Linda: oh (Chatter). hmmm. did you talk too much?
Chatter: I already knew the right answer = Be interested, not interesting.
Linda: how did she know that you are smart?
Chatter: Could have been during the Obama speech, which we watched after dinner since she is interested in politics.
Linda: watching Obama talk does not equal you are smart.
Chatter: She said, Why does Obama recommend electric cars, rather than looking for more fossil energy. So, I explained peak oil at 2050, idea of collecting pollution at the power plant than from every car tailpipe, and then nuclear fusion. Well, I mean, fossil energy.
Linda: Chatter, how long did that explanation take, curious mostly.
Chatter: Not long to explain, I think she liked that part. It was really something else: Her last husband died, she tells me she has dated a lot, but never had the same feeling again, yet.
Linda: I see. It's not you, it's her.
Chatter: She did not say being intelligent was bad, she said I was a perfect gentleman, and would make a good friend. Ha!
Linda: well at least she didn't let the rel'p carry on when she knew there was no interest. That is part of authentic dating, telling it like it is, In Love.
Chatter: I hate it when they say lets have a platonic friendship! lol
Chatter: I'd rather have someone be honest at the beginning than to let the relationship go on...
Chatter: Well, last 3 guys have gotten the same platonic thing from her, I am in good company. Actually, no time. She says.
Linda: sounds like she has a nice bag of excuses!
Chatter: she may be single a long, long time .....):
Chatter: So, that was also the source of the "whim" comment about getting on a site.
Chatter: maybe this woman should be single for a while/.....sounds like her heart hasn't healed from the death of her husband.
Chatter: cpa, grandchild = excuses. if it's impt. u will make time.
Chatter: she could have tried with the expectation of getting one thing and she got something totally different.
Linda: That's just it, wethinks she's not really ready - was maybe trying it out on a whim.
Linda: So let's say it did go well on the first date. At the end of the date you:
b) smack her on the lips
c) ask her 20 questions
d) ask her for another date
Chatter: Is testing the water fair to the others who are much more intentional about finding someone???
Linda: not really Chatter, but since when is life fair?????
Chatter: why isn't it fair?
Linda: - kinda like using someone to test your readiness -- ouchy if he likes you.
Chatter: but we don't really know what level someone is at until we all try...
Linda: well this is risky biz after all. you just have to be willing to face that. over and over.
Chatter: life is about risk taking, more exciting than sitting home (except tonight)
Chatter: she tried what she thought would be a potential match..it didn't work so you keep your own life moving.
Chatter: Yes...the hope, excitement...then the letdown... It's a risk, but well worth it. Sometimes, it's hard to keep pursuing dating, as the letdown is tough.
Chatter: I like the risks I'm taking, I'm getting closer to day I will meet the person God has intended for me. It's exciting.
Linda: I bet it can be very wearing. So if the date went well, you ask her out again on the spot, then, right???
Chatter: I wouldn't want to be asked out on the spot...
Chatter: i am not sure if right after is a good time.
Chatter: I think I would ask her out on the spot if the date went really well.
Chatter: I would like to be asked out again on the spot. Then I wouldn't go home guessing if the person liked me...or would be calling me again.
Chatter: that is true. But then you would feel obligated to say yes.
Chatter: You can say you like them by saying you had a good time, then emailing next morning to say you liked the date. If you are a woman, that is. So, the guy will be encouraged to take next step.
Linda: Well I did mean If you feel that both of you enjoyed yourselves. If you aren't entirely sure, Dr. Steve says to cool off a bit.
Chatter: why can't men just be confident...if you want to ask then ask...quit waiting for a "signal" from a woman all the time.
Chatter: Not that guys need a signal. But I have also experienced it where a woman was very positive and explicit in reinforcing behaviors she liked, which was a nice feeling.
Chatter: "I'm not sure" That is a risk. Don't want to put them on the spot. That's why one needs to listen and look at them and see how they respond. In the first few dates, you may prefer to follow up the next day or so with a phone call or email if unsure about asking for the next date.
Linda: I think that's fine.
Chatter: better than putting her on the spot! (she really may be unsure!)
Chatter: A gal may need a day, or so, to process what she's thinking....also to pray about what God would have her to do.
Chatter: Some people go out on a few dates, to see who they are interested in dating exclusively. I can understand if a guy wants to do that.
Chatter: that makes a lot of sense ...a lot of wisdom there.
Linda: well the dating guru's hour is up, but everyone is more than welcome to stay and figure everything out. or just have fun. thanks for joining us! next week Kim's on the schedule for Healthy, Holy Sexuality. Tues. 7:30 pm cst. and oh - and buy the Dvd! shameless plug ...