Thursday, February 3, 2011
Perfectionist Dating ÷ Not Settling = Being Content?
Probably not that easy. But I suppose as a blogger I should expand on this thought ...
The other day Kim posted this comment on Facebook:
Interesting conversation with a member tonight who broke it off with someone she was dating, but wasn't really feeling the chemistry after giving it a good try. She said she appreciated my advice on "not settling" just because she is afraid of being alone.
To which one friend replied, Where is the line between not settling and being content?
Kim went on to say this particular lady had been recently divorced from a very abusive relationship. She tends to "go with the flow" when it comes to guys... in other words if they're interested, she doesn't think about what she wants, but just goes along with the relationship irregardless. This particular man was not abusive. He is a very nice guy, but just doesn't interest her. Kim encouraged her to break her old habits and think about what it is she wants and desires in a relationship before jumping in.
We've talked a lot about perfectionist dating, but the opposite of that would be settling. Settling would involve staying with a potential mate who is abusive, boring, uncommunicative, a non-believer, or just generally not a good match. People who fear being alone would tend to settle, and probably need to deal with their own issues before seeking a serious relationship. We need to be secure and confident in our identity with Christ first and foremost, rather than finding our self-worth in the simple fact that we have a potential life partner.
Being content, in our opinion, would be when you are in a pleasant relationship with someone who of course is not abusive, is a believer, is not boring, etc. There are no identifiable deal-breakers involved. You should be drawn to a person who is your potential wife or husband - you can't keep him or her off of your mind and look forward to seeing them again. You feel a sense of attachment and begin imagining a future with him or her. Contentment comes into play when you consider that there are still other fish in the sea - but your heart tells you that this little fishy is "just right" for you and you set aside your search. You waive the white flag on your dating life, keep your eyes on him or her and settle in on making the best of the gift that God has given you. He or she may not be a "10" to you or your friends, probably has some quirks and a few annoying habits (which at first you find endearing or are able to overlook, but later will become more of a nuisance), but you realize that you are not perfect yourself and commit to making him or her happy. In other words, your feelings for him or her allow you to "get over yourself" just a bit.
Remember, God's overriding purpose in marriage is to help you become more like Christ. He isn't looking for perfection ... he is looking for those who would humble themselves and serve Him. Perhaps I should figure a dose of humility into the equation ... but math is really not my strong point.