Friday, January 28, 2011

Could you be a perfectionist dater?

Today's blog is taken from Pastor Bob Moeller, co-founder of "For Better for Worse for Keeps" ministries. The Moellers, with whom Cache' Connections has partnered in the past, are doing a great work for the kingdom with regards to marriage and singles' issues. Yesterday's "Marriage Minutes" touched on a chord we have struck recently. It seems that God is really wanting singles to take a good hard look at themselves and their patterns. Could it be that perfectionism is prohibiting you from finding a love that lasts?

Defeating Obstacles to Successful Relationships


"But Naomi said, "Return home, my daughters. Why would you come with me? Am I going to have any more sons, who could become your husbands?...Even if I thought there was still hope for me-even if I had a husband tonight and then gave birth to sons- would you wait until they grew up?...No, my daughters. It is more bitter for me than for you, because the LORD's hand has turned against me!" Ruth 1:11-13

A. The Primary Causes

1. Parents who raised you with expectations you could never meet.
2. A deep fear of your own personal inadequacy.
3. Knowing only conditional love in life.
4. A preoccupation with what others think.
5. A case of hidden pride.

B. The Symptoms

1. A relentless search for the "Perfect 10" in a husband or wife. (Sound familiar?)
2. A preoccupation with the physical rather than inner character.
3. A readiness to spot the flaws in others (but remain blind to our own shortcomings).
4. A pursuing the impossible while missing the precious right at hand.
5. A serious case of hidden pride.

C. The Impact

1. A self-imposed life of frustration and bitterness toward God and others.
2. A judgmental attitude toward others who don't deserve to be judged.
3. An attraction to the wrong kind of person.
4. Missing the God-given opportunities to love and be loved right in front of us.
5. Exhibiting often embarrassing behavior.
6. An excuse to avoid the risk of intimacy.

D. The Healing

"In the middle of the night something startled the man; he turned-and there was a woman lying at his feet! "Who are you?" he asked. "I am your servant Ruth," she said. "Spread the corner of your garment over me, since you are a guardian-redeemer of our family." "The LORD bless you, my daughter," he replied. "This kindness is greater than that which you showed earlier: You have not run after the younger men, whether rich or poor. And now, my daughter, don't be afraid. I will do for you all you ask. All the people of my town know that you are a woman of noble character." Ruth 3: 8-11

1. We take the initiative to show our interest in and admiration for the true qualities and strengths of another.
2. We approach people in a spirit of humility rather than pride (to serve rather than be served).
3. We recognize and honor God's presence in our relationships.
4. We see the importance of God's blessing on our relationships.
5. We choose not to chase after others based on age, money or appearances.
6. We exalt character over sex appeal.
7. We build a reputation with others for our depth of character rather than being a superficial person.

Nearly all of these points were brought out by Cache' Connections and friends in our opinion poll and blog posts earlier this week. Are we getting any closer to the choices that lead to healing? Certainly society sends a far different message ... but God has a better plan for His people.

~ Linda
Cache' Connections


Anonymous said...

This all sounds good, and I would be the first person to say that we should welcome the friendship of all, but why get married if there is no physical attraction?

Anonymous said...

In response to: "but why get married if there is no physical attraction?"

Disclaimer: All of the following response is not necessarily directed towards Anonymous, the thoughts I'm sharing are what came to mind for all to consider.

I don't think anyone is saying that someone should minimize or even deny physical attraction. What others are saying is that too much emphasis is being placed on attractiveness...attraction needs to be put in its place alongside with character, personality, interests, mission for God, vision, goals, etc...all in balance and in moderation.

Of course, people who neglect to work on themselves - for their own good - not necessarily to attract a partner (though that can be a by-product of it) are shooting themselves in the foot. So work on making yourself the best person in God's eyes, and doors will open for you.

Sure, one can say, "God accepts me as I am, and so should you!", however, the reality is that people ARE attracted to someone who ARE doing something with their lives and continually making themselves into a better person. But to flounder around and do next to nothing or the bare minimum will not draw too many people to you (except couch potatoes like they are!)
And being "poopy", dragging one's butt around and being cynical, needy or negative won't help. It's not cute, and the world has had enough of this already. Be Positive! Encouraging! Friendly! Hopeful! Excited!

Not saying they have to get thin, become an exercise fanatic, dress like a millionaire or anything like that. Become an interesting person, by developing interests and you will certainly attract interesting people. And, may I add, become a good listener. People have great respect for those who listen. One will have many friends if they would only listen. You'll get your turn to talk.

Linda said...

Dear Anonymous 2:
You are very wise!

Anonymous said...

Not saying that one should only focus on physical attraction, but it usually starts with physical attraction, especially for men, but for women, too. If spiritual dimension, personality, etc. are lacking, that's not good, either. A relationship could start with a friendship, but if a physical attraction is lacking, then just be friends. A physical attraction is a necessary part of a relationship.