Thursday, September 30, 2010
Dr. Steve explains that a lot can be lost through a text message or email. Fifty percent of our communication is non-verbal, through body language and tone of voice. Also, we can "read into" an email something that wasn't intended to be communicated. Dr. Steve said it's fine to use electronic communication for a quick message or note, but the best communication comes from face-to-face meetings or over the phone.
Dr. Steve also suggests NEVER, NEVER break up or ask someone out on a first date throuh a text or email. When dealing with relationships, people should be bold, intentional and courageous, so this is a big no-no. Attempting to end or start a relationship should always be face-to-face or over the phone.
Dr. Steve also says electronic communication has allowed our society to become somewhat removed from a situation that can be uncomfortable ... which allows us to become "cowards" of sorts. But like we say at Cache' Connections, it's time to return to authenticity, so put the texting and emailing aside and get face-to-face as soon as you feel comfortable.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Our wheels are always churning at Cache' Connections (if you hadn't noticed) on new ways to get people together. An idea has been presented that we'd like your opinion on. I will withhold the names to prevent any favoritism or bias.
So ... you know we have the Cache' Mentoring Services where we work with a member over a two-week period, helping with their profile and bio, photos, communications and connections. This process has helped many members over the past 8 months or so. It's a bit time consuming, as it usually involves 3 to 4 phone conversations, along with both parties reviewing all possible connections. The regular price is $139, but is on sale for $55. Click here for details.
One of us has presented the idea that people still need a little "operator assistance" to get engaged in the matchmaking process. Many seem to need suggestions on whom to contact and maybe what to say on a first or second message. So, for about $25, we would review your profile along with those of your connections and suggest you send a message to A, B and C. We would also write to A, B and C and let them know we have suggested this connection. This would probably all be handled via email.
1. People value the opinion of the matchmakers and as stated, need a nudge.
2. Takes the burden off of the one initiating communication; i.e., "Kim and Linda suggested I write to you ..."
3. We've seen this work through the mentoring program.
1. Aaaahhh, another wheel to create.
2. Shouldn't the members be doing this for themselves?
3. We would possibly be pulling possibilities from members' "Not Interested" folder.
4. Much of this type of matchmaking suggestions has been done through the recent dinner party invitations and mixers.
So, what are your thoughts? Remember, you can post a reply anonymously :)
p.s. Okay - maybe the photo does display author's bias ...
Monday, September 27, 2010
Our most recent Facebook poll concerned the kids. When is an appropriate time to introduce your children to the person you are dating? Here are some of the responses:
-After LOTS of prayer! but it all depends on the situation and the child as well. I am so protective of my son and want to keep him from getting attached if things don't quite work.
-Introductions should take place after the person you are dating has passed most of your qualifying "tests" and you and the person are pre-engaged, no matter the age of the children.
-Some think you can introduce younger kids sooner than older (teens) just because the older ones are more skeptical versus the younger, carefree kids. I disagree because that is actually a selfish view to have.
-Only if he or she is a keeper or it's serious, other wise it's too much confusion.
-When you are considering becoming engaged.
-Depends - you do not want to bring people you are dating into your childrens' lives just to have them leaving the kids abandoned again when the relationship doesn't work.
We were curious what the experts would say, so we inquired with Dr. Stephen W. Simpson, author, professor and Director of Clinical Training in the School of Psychology at Fuller Theological Seminary. He had this to say:
"Tough question because a lot of it depends on the age of the child and the situation (i.e., divorce vs. death of a parent, etc.). In general, you want to hold off until things are relatively serious because, especially with younger children, having a parade of adults moving in and out of their life can be confusing, especially if they are filling in a parental role, even symbolically. On the other hand, it's not a great idea to try to hide things, especially once the kids get to be about 6 or 7, because they'll be able to figure out what's going on. If it seems like the child has a grasp of what dating means, the parent can explain that they are going out on a date, but they shouldn't have their date spend a lot of time with kids until things get serious. Once the kids reach adolescence, it's better to have open conversations throughout the process, but, again, not let them have much of a relationship with the other person until things get serious."
Dating in the 21st century is tricky. Stick with Cache' Connections. We're here to help you navigate the confusion, and to establish a new model for Christian dating.
This weekend and next hold a couple of rare opportunities for friends of Cache' Connections. We are partnering with Singles Difference for a picnic on Saturday, 10/2, and a service project on Saturday, 10/9.
Chicagoland singles can come out next Saturday for a very affordable, casual opportunity to hang out with other singles. We'll meet at The Chapel's Lake Zurich campus from 1 - 5 pm. Bring your favorite dish to share and lawn chairs or blanket. Kids are welcome! Singles Difference will provide the meat, drinks and paper products. There will be games and a concert by Trees of the Field from 3:45 to 5:00 pm. The cost is just $5.00, and kids under 10 are free.
At the picnic you will have an opportunity to hear more about Singles Difference and the first service opportunity, which will take place from 9 - 3 on Saturday, 10/9 at Family First in Waukegan. The service project includes painting the 2nd floor of the new community center. Lunch, paint and brushes are provided. We've had lots of requests for service projects, so let's see a great turnout! If you are unable to attend the picnic on 10/2 but are interested in serving, please email: email@example.com
CLICK HERE for more details on these and all Cache' Connections events.
Have a great week!
Friday, September 24, 2010
Just two weeks from today, we'll be holding our first Cache' Connections Live! event in Naples at a beautiful mega church, First Baptist Church of Naples. We first met Singles Leader Jim Hill on our Florida road trip last February when preparing for our Cache' Connections Disney Conference. From the time we met Jim, he has opened his heart and mind to embrace Cache' Connections. And now, the event we started planning back in the winter months is just around the corner.
Since this is a new market, it has taken a lot of time to get the word out to local churches and media. We are blessed that two local radio stations agreed to promote this event for no cost and many area churches are on board. In fact, we received a phone call from a middle aged Christian single yesterday who told us it is quite a challenge for ladies in Florida. She said there aren't many Christian single guys, but she said this event has given her hope along with her six friends who are attending with her. She said many times, when they go to a singles group at a church, it may only be a handful of people, but now she will have an opportunity to meet singles from the entire area. Well, we'll have to wait and see if the singles of Naples and the Fort Myers area will come out and see what Cache' Connections is all about.
We are most excited to team up again with Drs. Tom and Beverly Rodgers, authors of "The Singlehood Phenomenon." The Rodgers will be the featured speakers at the event. There is also an extra bonus to this event: on Saturday morning, there will be a one hour session by Drs. Tom and Bev designed specifically for singles leaders. We look forward to meeting some new pastors from the area and of course will have our radars on for some new event prospects.
God willing, Florida is going to be a new territory that we will be developing and building in the coming year. We're hoping for a few more events over the winter months :)
Have a great weekend!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
It's often been suggested and has always been a part of our business plan to establish "chapter leaders' or "area coordinators" to host events and build the membership base for Cache' Connections in local areas. For almost a year now, one of our members has done a fabulous job of serving as a hostess for most of our (smaller) Chicagoland events. We first met Kelly (shown at top) at our very first event at Calvary Church in Naperville in November, 2008. She served as a volunteer and her organizational and people skills were soon evident.
As I recall, we first turned her loose to handle her own events on Valentine's weekend in 2010. She zipped around Chicagoland, handling a host of bowling/connection events with confidence and professionalism. What is interesting is that as Kelly "stepped out of the boat" to serve, she also "stepped into" LOVE found at one of these bowling events. She and Glen had been connected on our website, Cache' Connections, in January 2010. Both were somewhat interested, but put the match aside. They met up at a bowling event in Homewood, Illinois, the next month where they were on the same lane. Kelly was surprised when Glen started talking to her, having thought that he would never be interested in her. Long love story short, they have been in an intentional dating relationship ever since! Many of you have met Glen and Kelly, as they now serve most of the Coffee Connections events together. We love how they give hope to our guests!
But back to the topic at hand ... Kelly has accepted a part time position as our first Area Coordinator, wherein she will be organizing and promoting events for Cache' Connections in Chicagoland and possibly beyond. Kelly is open to suggestions and even did a poll at the last mixer that she hosted. Some great ideas were presented such as hayrack rides, service projects, game nights and dancing. We're game for all of that! So stay tuned for some new opportunities to connect with other Christian singles in this area - and please spread the word to your friends so that guests can continue to meet new people!
Please send your event ideas and possible venue locations to firstname.lastname@example.org. Kelly's first priorities are a hayrack ride(s)/bonfire and scheduling a New Year's Eve event.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Although singles make up over one-half of the U.S. population, it seems that singles represent only about 20-30% of church attendees. This is a very rough estimate because most churches do not keep statistics on the number of singles in their congregation. This week, in honor of National Single and Unmarried Americans Week, we are asking churches to reach out to their singles and encourage them.
We all know that churches are very strongly geared towards marriages, family, children's ministries, and even toward helping the hurting and needy through such wonderful ministries as Divorce Care and Celebrate Recovery. These are all very wonderful and needed ministries.
We've seen two opposing sides regarding how to deal with singles in the church. Some churches are doing away with singles ministries completely and directing the singles into other groups such as men's and women's ministries, and other service ministries. Others continue to strive to maintain and grow healthy singles ministries, which is an ongoing challenge. I suppose a third alternative is to simply overlook the singles - unfortunately a popular option, especially for smaller churches. As one Facebook friend said, "Normally singles are treated differently than the rest of church. In a large church you pretty much get lost in the crowd."
I can see this blog post going about 40 different directions. What I really want to convey, or plead, is for churches not to ignore the singles. They are young, old, divorced, never married and widowed. They are single moms and dads, and some have had to give up on their dreams of ever having their own natural children. Most of them suffer loneliness to some degree.
Please don't write and tell me there is nothing wrong with being single. That is absolutely right. Certainly singles have more time and possibly more resources to serve others and grow deeper in their walk with Christ. I'm just asking the Church (leaders and individuals) to recognize these special folks who may not enjoy the lifestyle that most members live - that is, "married, with children." So, consider inviting a single to lunch after church. Pastors, consider recognizing singles from the pulpit from time to time. Give a single a hug and let them know they are appreciated (and missed when they don't attend church!)
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
If not, why not? It's National Single and Unmarried Americans Week. A little known fact and not highly celebrated, but it's kind of a big deal at Cache' Connections. We realize that singles are now a majority of the population, even though they are (sadly) often overlooked from many standpoints, even the Church.
We are so blessed to be working with Christian singles and consider it a privilege to engage with you in your search for a mate! You are important to us and we pray for you on a daily basis. Since this is National Singles Week, we invite you to join in this celebration by praying for Christian singles and the ministry of Cache' Connections to spread across the country. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.
If you are content to be single, that's great! You can do much more for the Lord and His kingdom. However, if you have that desire in your heart for a mate, keep reading ...
In honor of National Singles Week, we are offering an uber (really great!) special through midnight, Friday, September 25th. It's called the Cache' Connections Double Bubble, which is 50% off any subscription of one month or more AND we will double your subscription period. In other words, you will receive any subscription for one month or more for half price and we will ALSO double your subscription length. And don't forget we still have our unbelievable special for "Until Married" for only $129.95. For examples - see below:
Promo Code: NTLSINGLES
$29.95 - 1 month - now $14.98 ... for 2 months!
$64.95 - 3 months - now $32.48 ... for 6 months!
$99.95 - 6 months - now $49.98 ... for 12 months!
$149.95 - 12 months - now $74.98 ... for 2 years!
Promo Code: UNTILMARRIED
$349.95 - Until Married - now ONLY $129.95
We received this reminder from one of our happily married former members today:
"Can't believe it's been a year since you gals introduced me to my beautiful husband! Thank God for National Singles Week, and for Cache' Connections! I am overwhelmed with gratefulness for you and I pray that many, many matches will be made this week & in the months & years to come! Bless You!" - Markita
Please help us spread the word of Cache' Connections and also encourage your single friends by sharing this blog post. It is SO important that the Christian community let others know about Cache' Connections. Thanks for your help!
~Kim and Linda
Monday, September 20, 2010
With 80 prepaid registrants, a beautiful venue, great food and a great host and hostess representing Cache' Connections, it's no surprise that we woke up to some very positive feedback from last night's National Singles Week Mixer at The Clubhouse in Oak Brook, Illinois. Here's what some guests had to say:
"The Oak Brook dinner was a blast!...Our table was a fun table! I met some nice gals and guys...I'm ready for the next event...bring it on! Looking forward to the Lake Zurich picnic. God bless, and thanks for planning the event...was fun :O)"
"I had a fun night and met some wonderful woman and men for that matter."
"Although I was reluctant, I did go and had a real good time. There was a real good mix of people and everyone was very friendly. Lot's of Willow Creekers and folks from Calvary! It was good to just get out and mingle a little bit and that's all I wanted to do! It was good!!! Missed you and Kim, but I wanted to let you know that your ministry is appreciated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, there!!!"
"Hi Linda i had a really nice time... enjoyed being a hostess!! and the people were all very nice and food was yummy.... a few people came up to me to thank me and said we all did a great job at moving people through the room which was small but kinda worked - we made the best of it... everyone seemed to me as they were enjoying the night... i did i was glad I went."
"last night was fantastic! always high quality ladies, an abundance of great people. thank you for what you do!"
"I've been to most of your events, and this one by far was the best ever! I really liked the way the hosts worked the room, the food and pricing was good, and it was a great opportunity to mingle with other singles."
"Several people stepped out of their comfort zone last night. I'm proud of them! Lots of people didn't want to go home after dinner, lingering, mingling and having a great time." (Kelly, event coordinator)
We count it a privilege to connect God's people at these encouraging events. There are two more coming up soon! Check out the Cache' Connections Mixer in Springfield on 10/2 and in Peoria, Illinois on 10/17.
Also, don't forget that on Mondays we encourage our friends to fast and pray for singles desiring marriage. See the Note posted today on Facebook. Have a great week!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Kim and I took a little break the past two days and attended the Joyce Meyer "Love Live" Conference in St. Louis. What a spectacular event that was! Approximately 16,900 women and 100 men from 50 states and 20-some countries traveled to hear inspiring worship and life-changing messages from Joyce Meyer, John C. Maxwell, and more.
Friday morning we were blessed to hear from John C. Maxwell on the power of our attitudes. John says that the greatest gap between successful people and unsuccessful people is how you think. Just like we use dental floss to take the junk out of our teeth, most of us need "mental floss" to take the junk out of our minds.
John pointed out 4 things we need in order to have a good attitude:
1. We need to possess a teachable spirit. John regaled us with a great story of how, when he was a senior pastor, he wrote a sermon that was intended to "shake a finger" at his congregation, who had begun murmuring against him after a quick decision he had made. He was very excited to preach it and quipped, "sometimes you don't even need God's help to write a sermon," and, "this can't wait for Sunday." When he shared his sermon with his wife, however, she said, "that sermon is for you." He preached the sermon the best he could, and then the leaders of his church laid hands on him and peace was restored to his church family. John said that although he absolutely loves teaching on leadership, he is the hardest person to lead. We need to allow God and others to speak into our lives -we need to receive and apply instruction.
2. We need to take responsibility for our attitude. It's no one else's job. John said that motivation does not strike like lightening, but it is a byproduct of "just doing it." We need to act ourselves into feeling like we want to feel.
3. We need to travel the high road. This means to think on good things as Philippians 4:8 instructs us to do, and treat each other as Christ would. There are three roads we can take:
a.) The low road, where we treat others worse than we would treat ourselves
b.) The middle road, where we treat others the same as we would treat ourselves
c.) the high road, where we treat others better than we treat ourselves.
4. We need to understand the value of every attitude. Good or bad, it really makes an impact on EVERY aspect of your life. If your mind is full of "stinkin thinkin," the chances are you are not going to find the results you desire in life. If you have a positive, hopeful attitude, you just might be surprised how it impacts your relationships, present and future ones, that is!
CLICK HERE to watch part of John C. Maxwell's message.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Little did we know that the National Singles Week Mixer was going to be so popular. It's coming up in Oak Brook, IL this Sunday at the Clubhouse and is a social event for Christian singles age 30 and up. It's always so hard to predict how the registrations will go; sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. One of our favorite sayings at Cache' Connections is "who knows?" Well, it didn't take long for our registration list to climb up to close to 50 people, so we started working on getting those male/female ratios even. It's just a given that the women sign up first and the men wait until the last minute. It didn't take much effort to get the guys since we have so many attractive, awesome ladies coming, but oops, the room only holds 70 people and we quickly were at capacity. So after talking to the Clubhouse coordinator yesterday, she agreed we could comfortably squeeze in 10 more guests, so we were able to contact everyone on our waiting list and tell them to "sign up quick!" So, if there is anyone still interested, as of now, we have 3 open spots. We are anxious to hear the feedback next week.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
This past Monday we took on Chapter 14 of Dr. Stephen W. Simpson's book, "What Women Wish You Knew About Dating" by Dr. Stephen W. Simpson. Chapter 14: The Romantic 3rd Date.
Linda: you guys interested in hearing how this romantic 3rd date goes down, or just how it ends?
Chatter: From beginning to end!
Linda: ok. Well, let's assume you've been on Date 1 and 2 and they went well.
and now it's time for things that turn a date into a relationship. sound good? this date is important. this is the time people decide if you are a potential spouse around the 3rd date. you have to make sure you really like the girl if you are going for the Romantic Third Date. don't waste your time and money if you are not sure. just repeat the casual first and/or second date to continue getting to know her. ok? k. so.
3 Simple Rules for Asking a Woman Out on a Third Date. (u know it's serious when i capitalize!)
1. by now, you know it comes as a phone call not more than 3 days after the 2nd date. tell her again that you enjoyed the last date; look for a favorable response. unless she acts weird or apathetic, u r going to ask her out again.
2. keep the date a secret. tell her you want to take her out and tell her the time and date. tell her to dress nice.
Chatter: ooh mysterious.
Linda: if she asks what you will be doing, tell her it's a surprise.
Chatter: surprises are a good thing...it builds the suspense.
Linda: she will want more details on what to wear. if she describes an outfit, say "perfect." not just fine. if she comes up with something wacky like overalls or an old prom dress, tell her a skirt might work. lol. i'd suggest telling her to come hungry too.
Overview of the date: Meal. you need to choose a nice, romantic place to take her for dinner. think linen table cloths, etc. no franchises. make a reservation.
Chatter: i'm curious to know what the third rule is.
Linda: oh, um, oh that was how to tell her how to dress.
Chatter: so no Taco Bell :(?
Linda: Sorry. But, if budget is a huge problem, you have an alternative. any guesses?
Chatters: making dinner ;)
Picnic in the park by the lake?
Linda: You cook a meal for her. remember this book is written for guys.
Chatter: How do you know when it's safe to go to a guy's place after 3 dates?
Linda: hmmm ... for one thing you drive yourself there. and the guy is supposed to make you feel safe such as opening the curtains.
Chatters: I think after 3 dates you have a pretty good idea if the person is legit or not. i could be wrong.
I agree with (Chatter) because some men just are not good at hiding their true agenda.
i mean in between these dates i'm sure you are talking as well.
Linda: You really should have a good idea of the guy at this point, but you can't be too careful these days. so if you are not comfortable, there's an alternative. you can make the meal and take it on a picnic - by the lake!
Chatter: Guess I'm a little old fashioned...i usually meet in public for quite a few times. Plus, I'm careful about the sexual temptation of being at a guy's place too early in a relationship....hope this doesn't throw a monkey wrench in the plan. I would enjoy the meal by the lake on a 3rd date.
Linda: so don't be afraid to set your boundaries.
(Note: Please check out Cache' Connections Safety Tips.)
ok. so after dinner you are going to a theater or concert. a romantic one. not a movie and not a washed up band at a county fair. if all goes well u r going to kiss her.
Chatter: sounds like a great plan!
Linda: Ok, now for specifics. I'm not going through it all, but the main thing is to focus on her. pleasant, meaningful conversation is still your top priority!
(various comments about kissing dating goodbye, Boundaries in Dating, Boy Meets Girl and How to Get a Date Worth Keeping.)
Linda: want to know if u should hold her hand? or did we kiss that goodbye too?
Chatters: Holding hands is fine.
i think that holding hands is fine as long as you know where the direction of the relationship is going.
Linda: well here's Dr. Steve's ideas on if/when to hold her hand on this 3rd date.
so, at the theatre or concert, wait at least 10 minutes. then observe how she is sitting. if she is balled up as far away from you as she can get, don't hold her hand! also if she is sitting on her hands or folding them, no go.
Chatters: Ahhhh Body Language .101
Body language is key!
Linda: but, if she's kinda leaning toward you, has her hand poised on the armrest or resting palm up, go for it! start by placing your hand gently on top of hers. wait for response. (slap is bad) grasp her hand lightly if she responds positively.maybe try lacing your fingers around hers if it goes well. now relax and enjoy the show. if none of this goes well, try not to cry and there will Definitely Not be a Kiss later.
Chatter: gosh that's so nerve racking haha. once you go in for the kill though it's pretty sweet.
Linda: gotta take the risk. ok. so, after the show you can take her for a walk if it makes sense, or take her home. if things went well, whip out the single rose you hid beneath her car seat.
Chatter: A gal can always let a guy know, gently, if she's not comfortable with something yet.
Linda: good point (Chatter). and that's ok. and the guy is supposed to ask 'How Did That Make You Feel?" repeat it with me guys.
Chatter: How Did That Make You Feel?
Linda: 'HOW Did It Make You Feel When I Tried To Hold Your Hand?"
Chatters: I appreciate when a guy asks that kind of thing..
I do too.
& the fact that you planned flowers ahead of times goes a long way :)
It's nice if a guy asks if I'm okay with holding hands or kissing.
I agree with the asking first, instead of just assuming it's ok.
Linda: so either way, the date stops at the door. got it? there are ways to tell if a gal wants to be kissed. again, her posture, smile. if she lingers, that's good. if hand on door knob, bad.
Why Dr. Steve Thinks Kissing Is Important:
he even says it's necessary. he thinks that God wants you to kiss and and even thinks it's silly and a bit sad if you don't. it's symbolic. when you kiss a woman, you're expressing your feelings in a concrete way. you are showing her that you care and that she is special. (see why we waited for the 3rd date??) it's a way to express something that's too dear for words for the woman you care about. (I like that) and all the girls said (sigh....)
Chatter: i think its all about what your comfortable with though, if kissing leads to other things perhaps its better to refrain from it?
Chatter: Umm Chatter the first kiss is a short one. Not a 3hr football game. ::biggrin
Linda: Dr. Steve gives good ways to set boundaries on that.. and remember we're outside of the door and you are Not Going In. now stop making me use caps.
Steve says that women want to be kissed and she might even become confused and discouraged if you don't kiss her. she'll think u don't like her! so, kissing her before the time is right can cause confusion and pain, but so can not kissing her when the time is right. comments?.
Chatters: Ahhhhh, the first kiss. It's true. We want to know how you feel about us.
i have no problems kissing when the time is right.
Yes, pushing it too early isn't cool. But we do want the kiss to know you're in the game with us.
Linda: now for Kissing 101. ready? u packed your mints?
Chatters: We are all glued to our monitors!
bring it on.
Ready or not, here it comes....
Linda: well what do u know we have 5 Simple Rules!
No. 1. kinda gross but swallow all your spit. then put your mouth to hers and lightly slowly close your lips on hers. don't smack peck or smooch. kinda like taking a tiny taste of an ice cream cone, using only your lips.
No. 2 is interesting. her mouth should be opened wider than yours at all times. this is the most important thing to remember. whatever you do, don't go in with your mouth wide open and for heaven s sake don't stick your tongue in her mouth at the beginning of the kiss.
Chatters: Yes, Yes.
Linda: ever been kissed by a wide mouth?? it's like "what the heck do I do with This???" lol.
no? ok, i thought it was funny. are you all rolling on the floor?
It is hilarious. and Yes it was not a kiss but full on dinner.
Linda: No. 3. Move your mouth away and see what she does. If she pulls away, you're done kissing. If she doesn't and she's smiling or looking at you sweetly, repeat step 1.
4. If, after the 2nd little kiss, she seems to want another one, go for it. But! no tongue unless she goes first. if so, softly. This kiss is over in a minute or less.
Chatter: Isn't God pretty cool to make kissing so awesome? hahaha
Linda: ok i myself get a lil grossed out about this tongue talk but this book is the nitty gritty for guys. and it needs to be known. right?
Chatters: That's ok guys like that stuff. so what is No 5?
Linda: Aaaaahhh No. 5. Give Her A Hug And Say Something Sweet. (Chatter), want to take a stab at something sweet to say?
Linda: Anybody sweet?
I kissed dating hellooooo ::tongue. Just kidding!
You mean after the kiss?
I hope you liked that as much as I did hahaha
haha i dunno i like humor so.
It would work for me!
Linda: Great ideas! Steve suggest something like, "I care about you." "I like being with you." You mean a lot to me. sweet nothings ...
Chatter: I love humor and it would be nice to end the evening with a really nice smile. Good for you (Chatter).
Chatter: Ohhh. Gotcha.
Linda: but by all means be yourself! apparently the girls love ya!
Chatter: I like the "I like being with you"...it lets someone know you care about them and enjoy being with them...that they are special to you.
Linda: Yes. Be sure to follow the kiss with verbal affection. Now you go home and take a shower. End of night.
Join us next Monday night when we take on Chapter 14: "You Have A Girlfriend - Now What?" CLICK HERE for details on all Cache' Connections events.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
"Expert Emily" Shupert led a chat on Sunday night on boundaries in dating. Other questions came up too, for which she is always game. Here are some highlights that may be helpful to you:
Chatter: how does one handle the "do you have a job?" question when one doesn't have one at the moment...life still goes on... I mean, really, if that's a deal breaker, then it must be all about the money to the other person!
Emily: I think $$$ (finances) is a legit question once the relationship is moving towards exclusive. I think that you can use this as an opportunity to share your journey and what your hopes are, what you are doing to get a job, etc. Life has so many ups and downs and it is important that you are with someone who will accept you and encourage you at both ends of the spectrum. However, if one doesn't have a job and hasn't done anything towards getting one, isn't interviewing, and hasn't had a job for a while, then that is something that might be a red flag for potential dates.
Chatter: can't people think of other things to talk about than one's profession? I know it occupies about 1/3 of our awake hours during the week, and it Is important. not trying to be a pessimist, just realistic. I agree on the red flag.
Emily: Yes, but talking about work is an easy surface conversation that can open into other discussion points. However, if one can only talk about a job and nothing else, than the person might be preoccupied only in work and nothing else....shows a lack of balance in life.
Chatter: so unemployed people probably ought to refrain from dating until they get a job???
Emily: Nope, but they can highlight other areas of their life such as hobbies, faith, family, etc. While jobs take up 1/3 of one's day or more, there is an opportunity to not focus only on jobs (or lack of one) by focusing on other aspects of your life. While it is a wonderful discussion on a date, it is important to not focus only on jobs and show other parts of yourself. Many times we talk about what we feel most comfortable revealing, many times if you are confident in your work yet feeling uncomfortable on a date, it is easy to resort to talking only on work.
Emily: Lets think of other things that we can talk about on a date..... or things you don't talk about :)
Chatter: One of the most important things I like to ask is for the person to share their salvation experience. I need to know that they have a relationship with Christ and not just religion.
Emily: That is a great point. While some might not go that deep on a first date, what you said is insightful because it allows the other person to talk.
Chatter: so many people talk when they feel uncomfortable but what do you think it feels like for that other person when they feel like they can't get a word in?
everyone would do well to learn to be a >good listener<
Emily: Just as important as it is for sharing about you, it is important to ask insightful questions that make the other person feel valued. It is sometimes easier to think about what we might say, how to respond, etc, we forget to really still everything inside of us to listen and simply be with the other person.
Chatter: that's a good strategy to be genuinely interested in the other person, and it takes some of the pressure off of yourself!
Emily: Instead of thinking of what you would say (i.e. "me too, I had a similar situation where, blah blah blah") think of asking another question that shows you are listening and care to learn more.
Chatter: A person should feel valued. They should also sense that you're listening...when a person is listening to someone talk, and thinking of what they're gonna say next, they haven't truly listened.
Chatter: that's a challenge to actively listen, yet have a question ready after they are done speaking, but that's what "doing one's homework" beforehand is for!
Emily: Regardless of whether you are meant to be together or not, you are able to give the person the privilege of feeling heard and understood...is there a better experience we can give another person? I don't think so :)
Yes, focusing on the other person and listening to them means that we give direct eye contact and care enough to listen to them, it shows that you are engaged in what they have to say, verbally and non verbally. Plus, looking someone in the eye, shows that you have confidence.
Yes, being able to communicate at the beginning is key! Communicating on a first date is an opportunity to show the individual that you can connect with them through talking as well as engaging through listening. but be sure that your communication reflects the True you or the person whom you project will be the object of the others affections, not you. That is important to remember because many people fall in love with the image put forth versus the actual person....communicate authentically who you are from the beginning.
Emily (on what to talk about on a date) Things on past relationships, income, deep spiritual topics, etc might not be the best for a first date...maybe worth saving more intimate topics for when trust is more established.
Chatter: Dating is getting to know each other but if specifics are all that is discussed then it is not a date but an interview...
Emily: Yes, an interview which is why it is so important to listen!!!! When we are quick to listen, the person is more likely to feel safe and open up.
Chatter: How long does it usually take before you should try to enter into an exclusive relationship? How do you move it in that direction?
Emily: Hmmm...that is a mutual decision based upon where both people are feeling comfortable with at the time. If you feel like going deeper in the relationship, I would suggest that you share your feelings and desire to go deeper. Use that communication as an opportunity to have the other person share where she is and what she wants as well. I definitely know that you can't take it super deep on the first and second date....that is premature for sure! There isn't much research I've seen on when it is best to have an exclusive relationship.
However, there is research that marriages are most successful when dating has occurred for 6 months or more prior to engagement. Getting engaged before 6 months of dating shows negative long term effects...just fyi :) Happy dating folks, you were a great discussion group tonight!
Emily Shupert leads a discussion monthly at Cache' Connections. CLICK HERE for scheduled events and chats.
Monday, September 13, 2010
God could not have provided more perfect weather for our shoot on Sunday. We began at 9:00 am at Grand Prairie mall, and our female shoppers showed up right on time. They had fun playing the scene out with the guys. Dr. Steve delivered his lines once again like the pro that he is!
After a quick lunch, we reconnected at Bradley Park for the last scene, where we featured a couple that was on their first date. Because it was such a gorgeous day, there were many others out enjoying the park, so we had to play a little bit of "bad park cop" and ask them to keep their voices down. Everyone seemed to be respectful of the shoot.
Now the editing begins! We believe the title to the series will be "Christian Dating Redefined." What do you think? The DVD's should be released yet this fall.
As a side note, today we resume fasting and praying for singles desiring marriage. So grab a juice drink and a friend and pray for women and men to deal with whatever issues may be holding them back from forming relationships that last.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
These are a few photos from yesterday's video shoot in Peoria, Illinois. We flew in Dr. Stephen W. Simpson, author of the book we often chat about, "What Women Wish You Knew About Dating." We are putting together a series to set a new model for Christian dating. God answered our prayers for good weather and brought the sun out just as we were finishing up inside of Peoria Pizza Works - yum!
From there we headed downtown to what seemed to be a deserted area, but saw many passers by, as well as others having their photos taken. One curious motorist even stopped his car to take a video of what we were shooting! He must have thought whatever was going on was very important!
Today we'll be in a few other outdoor locations and our extras are standing by. We're thankful for all involved in this project and look forward to seeing the final videos and launching them. We can't give too many details just yet!
Friday, September 10, 2010
Our most recent poll on Facebook was "When is an appropriate time to divulge your finances (i.e., debt) when in a dating relationship?" Here are some of the responses:
Laura: When you mutually agree to exclusive dating and believe the possibility of life-partnership exists.
April: NOT on a first date while complaining about your life, stabbing your food......
Jody: When you are on facebook and everyone knows your business anyway. lol
Karen: While you are still in the friendship dating stage and you both want to move forward with the relationship. Very important to do when the timing is right.
Theresa: Funny... I know that there are some red flags for me when it comes to dating someone. Financial recklessness would be high on my list. You can be in debt and not have bad money management skills. I am fine financially. But... if a guy is not responsible with his money you will find that out with time, but the problem is staying emotionally untethered long enough to find out... not so easy!
Mark: would suggest waiting till you are absolutely sure you want to marry the other person.
Stacey: I'm not sure, but I do think it should be before marriage is considered. When you marry someone, you marry their debt too. Many of us that are or have gone to college have huge student loan debts. When someone marries you, they also marry into paying that debt down till it is gone.
Bill: I think Mark has the right track... I would suggest not discussing any financial situations until the relationship has progressed to the stage where both parties, are either living together, or in serious discussions, about the possibility, of moving in. At this point, debt becomes important. Should we split bills? should I be on any lease agreements? rental obligations? These questions are a normal process, when sharing living space. Now, I believe that an open discussion, COULD be had, prior to a living arrangement. If both sides sit down and honestly discuss how their economics compare to one another, this could help remove loads of unwanted, heated debates later on in the relationship, because one side found out, all too late, that the other had over x amount of dollars in hanging debt. Discussion is the key, open and honest communication, trust, and the ability to disagree, will make this situation much less a nightmare.
Jody: While you are dating, you tend to drop lines like, "out of my budget, etc." Money troubles don't stay that secret and become part of conversation if you trust each other enough to confide your worries. I wouldn't wait until I was living together or engaged to divulge large debt or even large investment holdings. I do agree Bill that an honest discussion of finances and what each of you expect and can provide for each other, would save many arguments later.
Financial counselor Dave Ramsey recommends that couples discuss finances as soon as things get serious. Finances are a huge part of a marriage and often the cause of divorce. It's important to be open and honest about your finances. Remember, Jesus spent a lot of time talking about money in the Bible. He knew it would be a tough issue for us.
(As a last side note, Cache' Connections does not recommend or condone living together prior to marriage.)
Thursday, September 9, 2010
I often laugh at ourselves when thinking back to the planning stages of Cache' Connections. We were so caught up in getting the structure and website formed, that we almost forgot about how we were going to get the word out there... oops, just a small oversight. Well, we have found several ways to market to our "driest tinder" (Christian singles), but we've found there is no more effective campaign than word-of-mouth. Viral marketing is defined as a video, image or text spread by "word of mouth" on the internet or by e-mail for humorous, political or marketing purposes. In other words, your "peeps" are doing the advertising for you. Call it the "easy button" if you will. Kim and Linda always say, "WE LIKE THE EASY BUTTON," not because we're lazy, but because we've worked so hard to get where we are today.
The good news is that as we are growing and becoming more well known among Christian singles, the viral campaign is increasing also. We're not quite sure if it's that people enjoy being matchmakers or that they are really embracing what this ministry is about. It's probably a combination of both, but thank you to everyone who is helping spread the word.
So, keep all this in mind and stay tuned as we are cooking up an exciting new idea that will increase the word of mouth campaign. We can't break the news yet, but here's just a couple of hints: video camera, visuals, singles and a contest. Any ideas? I don't think anybody will be able to resist tuning into this one :)
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
We received a call from a member who had wonderful things to say about his experience with Cache' Connections. He especially appreciates the way we pray for our members. He went on to share that he had been a first date this past weekend that went extremely well. You know ... the kind where you lose all track of time? Gotta love that! Being recently returned to dating, he had a lot of questions, particularly about how to handle his other connections.
I've learned to answer questions with questions :) I asked him about the date, his feelings, her response, their current communications, and what their plans are to see each other again. I then told him that some people simply cannot handle seeing more than one person at a time, and that is totally fine. In fact, drudging up old dating memories of my own, I seem to recall feeling confused and a bit deceitful when dating more than one man at a time - not that it was a recurring issue.
I went on to tell him that we've also seen some people who act too quickly, put all their eggs in this one basket, only to see a different side of the person shortly into the romance. Then they are changing their relationship status on Facebook, answering lots of unwanted questions, and trying to reconnect with online connections that they'd put off. What is the answer?
I proposed a middle ground, if he is up for it. I suggested he continue pursuing the budding romance, but not to cut off his other connections that he is interested in. Then, when the relationship starts to get more serious, it's time to gently tell your other friends that you have chosen to pursue one relationship in an "intentional dating" fashion. (For blog on intentional dating, click here.)
This was also a hot topic of discussion in one of our chats in The Meeting Room. How would you handle this situation?
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
We know they're out there... Cache' couples, I mean. But the frustrating part is that they don't always let us know they have found success at Cache' Connections. Once in a while we hear through the grapevine that a couple has met through the website or at an event and are dating and it saddens us that we're the last to know.
Well, we were quite surprised by an email we received last week from Fred who wanted to tell us that he and Felicitas were married this summer after meeting through the Cache' Connections website. He's a man of a few words, so we don't have many details, but here's what he had to say, "My lovely bride Felicitas and I met through your service and were married this summer. We know that God brought us together and wish to thank your service for being the medium through which it happened. We met in April 2009 via the Cache Connections web site. We were married in June of this year and know that it was God who brought us together. Thank you for your service for it allowed us to meet!"
So, congratulations Fred and Felicitas! We are so happy for this couple.
By the way, if you are dating someone you met through Cache' Connections, or married for that matter, and haven't let us know, PLEASE TELL US! We love to hear about the fruit of our labors and how God is working through Cache' Connections and changing lives.
And for those out there who haven't met your special someone yet, let this story serve as hope that God does care and he will work on your behalf in his timing. Just keep believing in faith and doing what you can to be a healthy dater and also putting yourself in the company of other believers.
Have a great week and enjoy this beautiful weather!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
We're busy welcoming a lot of new members this weekend due to the "Free Week Weekend." Those who have never tried Cache' Connections before are enjoying free membership for one full week. If you'd like to take advantage of this great opportunity, contact us by midnight on Monday night!
One common question or issue with Cache' Connections is with regard to our primary photo guidelines.
FAQ #36: What are the primary photo guidelines?
Member’s two primary photos must include one head shot and one body shot taken against a plain wall or door. These must be recent photos taken of you (within 3 months) and must not misrepresent you in any way. Thereafter, you may post up to six additional photos. No suggestive photos are allowed, including nudity, obscenity or inappropriate clothing. For more primary photos do's and don'ts click here.
Why the primary photo guidelines? Before launching the website, our research revealed that one of the major complaints with online dating was stale or outdated photos. Because we are all about integrity at Cache' Connections, we strive to prevent any misleading information. Members who are diligent about having their headshot and bodyshot taken against a plain wall or door (no one said it had to be white!) are sending a message to their connections that they are serious about their intentions. It's not always easy or convenient, we know. We help by having a photographer at our larger events who will take your photos for just $15 - a great investment!
Photos are not required of our members, so don't feel that you need to have these available before you join. However, research also reveals that those with photos receive a much more positive response. So grab a friend and a digital camera, slap yourself up against a wall and say cheese! You're actually saying a whole lot more. If I can do it, you can too!
Friday, September 3, 2010
Sometimes we get emails from members who are discouraged that they are not receiving messages or replies. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon. Here's what one man wrote recently:
As of now, my success rate is at zero and holding strong !! Every woman I have contacted is not interested?? Not sure why? Maybe it's something in my profile?
Let me pontificate once again that Cache' Connections always encourages members to send a return message, even if there is no interest. It's easy to say something like: "Thank you for your interest, but I do not feel this would be a good connection. God bless you in your search." Trust us, people do appreciate knowing where they stand, and would, by and large, much rather get a message like this than be left not knowing a) if the message went through b) if you are seeing someone c) if your membership has lapsed d) if you fell off the face of the earth.
Here was my response to Mr. Zero Success:
Thanks for the quick and open response. I took a quick look at your profile and don't see anything glaringly distasteful, although it appears you haven't taken the time to have your primary bodyshot taken against a plain wall or door. Doing this helps send the message to your connections that you are intentional about your membership. Perhaps you haven't met the right one yet, or it could be the content of your messages. It's hard to tell. You might want to consider our mentoring services, where we work with you on a personal level over two weeks on such things as your bio, communications and help with your connections. You can click this link for more details: http://www.cacheconnections.com/mentor
Further, have you attended any Cache' Connections events? Many people prefer meeting people in person. For sure, a combination of both methods would open you up to more possibilities.
What would be some red flags that would be deal breakers for you?
Thursday, September 2, 2010
It's "free week weekend!" No strings attached here! We understand that singles can have some fear and trepidation with joining an online matchmaking site, especially if they've been burned by other sites in the past or if they've never tried it before. We've heard so many people say, "I can't believe I'm doing this." But, online dating has become a modern-day trend and a great way to connect with your niche, i.e., committed Christians in the case of Cache' Connections.
So for those who are hesitant, here's a great chance to just throw caution to the wind and give it a try. Over the weekend, anyone who has never tried Cache' Connections before can request free membership. It's so easy too! Just put a "shout out" to us through Facebook, the website or email and we'll open your account for free for one full week once you have signed onto Cache' Connections with your name and email address. You will have full access to the website, which includes viewing complete profiles of your connections and the ability to communicate through the Cache' Connections private email system.
Who knows ... maybe this weekend will be the beginning to a new relationship for many people. Well, they'll never know if they don't give it a chance. God tells us He even feeds the birds of the air, but we know he doesn't bring it to them and put it in their mouths. They must take action on their part.
So, if you know of a Christian single that could benefit from being in a community of like-minded believers, please pass the word on about our free membership weekend.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
On Monday night we took on Chapter 12 of Dr. Stephen W. Simpson's book, "What Women Wish You Knew About Dating." This chapter is entitled "Navigating the 'Friend Zone' and Seeing Other People." Remember that this is AFTER dating a girl or asking her out and being rejected.
As an overview, Dr. Steve sees this as a common issue, and singles often tend to go this "just friends" route to make breaking up easier, or to hang onto hopes that the girl will develop feelings for you. Probably not such a good idea.
Dr. Steve says, "Let's get this straight once and for all: though friendship is a crucial part of dating, friendship and dating are different. The goals, expectations, and rules are different. You don't treat a friend the same way you treat your girlfriend."
True to Cache' Connections' form, Dr. Steve says that you need to be honest about your intentions and have integrity in relationships. Ask yourself these five questions:
1. Do I want to be friends with her for the same reasons I would a man or a woman whom I don't find attractive?
2. Will the friendship benefit us both? Will we encourage and support each other? Will the friendship bring us closer to Christ?
3. Would I be interested in friendship with her if I'd never been interested in dating her?
4. Will I be happy for her if she starts dating another man, even one of my friends?
5. Do I feel comfortable being friends with her while dating someone else?
If you say no to any of these, think twice about a friendship, because friendship is not what you are after. You won't make a good friend right now. It would be hard to be a committed friend if she gets a boyfriend, and if she gets mad at you, you might be inclined to just drop the friendship (or break up ...?) Simply put, you can't be the type of friend she needs, and it's not fair to her.
So, simply and respectfully decline her offer of friendship. Tell her that you can't be the type of friend she needs, but that you will pray for her. Maybe after your feelings subside you can be a friend to her, but not now. Be a gentleman; don't withdraw in bitterness and anger. Be nice to her and speak well of her to others, but approach friendship with caution.
As for seeing others in lieu of a breakup, well, rarely a good idea, unless you both are very inexperienced daters.
We're taking a break next Monday for Labor Day. Join Founder/Linda on Monday, August 13th as we discuss Chapter 13, "The Romantic Third Date."