Wednesday, September 1, 2010
4 Dreaded Words: "Let's just be friends."
On Monday night we took on Chapter 12 of Dr. Stephen W. Simpson's book, "What Women Wish You Knew About Dating." This chapter is entitled "Navigating the 'Friend Zone' and Seeing Other People." Remember that this is AFTER dating a girl or asking her out and being rejected.
As an overview, Dr. Steve sees this as a common issue, and singles often tend to go this "just friends" route to make breaking up easier, or to hang onto hopes that the girl will develop feelings for you. Probably not such a good idea.
Dr. Steve says, "Let's get this straight once and for all: though friendship is a crucial part of dating, friendship and dating are different. The goals, expectations, and rules are different. You don't treat a friend the same way you treat your girlfriend."
True to Cache' Connections' form, Dr. Steve says that you need to be honest about your intentions and have integrity in relationships. Ask yourself these five questions:
1. Do I want to be friends with her for the same reasons I would a man or a woman whom I don't find attractive?
2. Will the friendship benefit us both? Will we encourage and support each other? Will the friendship bring us closer to Christ?
3. Would I be interested in friendship with her if I'd never been interested in dating her?
4. Will I be happy for her if she starts dating another man, even one of my friends?
5. Do I feel comfortable being friends with her while dating someone else?
If you say no to any of these, think twice about a friendship, because friendship is not what you are after. You won't make a good friend right now. It would be hard to be a committed friend if she gets a boyfriend, and if she gets mad at you, you might be inclined to just drop the friendship (or break up ...?) Simply put, you can't be the type of friend she needs, and it's not fair to her.
So, simply and respectfully decline her offer of friendship. Tell her that you can't be the type of friend she needs, but that you will pray for her. Maybe after your feelings subside you can be a friend to her, but not now. Be a gentleman; don't withdraw in bitterness and anger. Be nice to her and speak well of her to others, but approach friendship with caution.
As for seeing others in lieu of a breakup, well, rarely a good idea, unless you both are very inexperienced daters.
We're taking a break next Monday for Labor Day. Join Founder/Linda on Monday, August 13th as we discuss Chapter 13, "The Romantic Third Date."