Wednesday, December 1, 2010
50 and never married. Is there room at the inn?
I was talking to a single gal in her 50's who has recently met some men in their 50's who have never married. She is of the opinion such a guy will never be able to make room for a woman in her life. Somehow I knew this would be a hot topic on a Facebook poll. Take a look at some of the many responses:
Walter: Can't help thinking that perhaps the lack of commitment to a marriage [a commitment to ONE woman] might be a hurdle for some to get past. You might look into whether he is looking for a new "mother".
Jill: i say he just has not found the one. it is hard to say with out knowing his past. i have friend headed that way and his reason i see is that he doesn't believe in himself enough.
Laura: I have been divorced for 10 years, out into the dating world. My experience has been that a man who has gone through his adult life without having been married or having a child, becomes very selfish. He lacks the experience of giving and... committing so much of himself. Not saying he's past learning it, but it has become a red flag to me. Also, a man at this age who has never had children, I have found have a harder time accepting mine, simply because they have never experienced the time, money, and what they think may be irrational things parents do for their children.
Nila: Just like the ones that have been married 3 or 4 times. I wonder how mature are they and how serious are they about a committed Godly relationship?
Larry: never make a blanket statement. what about women in their 50's who never have been married? are they any different? you would have to know the reason people have chosen not to marry. good topic. women like to find fault with men along these lines. men might be able to have similar complaints. i know a woman in her 50s, dating and never married. we will see how this one plays out.
Larry: laura, so you are single. (will not ask the age decade.) if you met a man for the first time and could ask 3 questions to help determine if he has long-range potential, what would they be?
Laura: 1. Been married? Children? How many, how old? I know that is more than one question, but they are all in the same category.
2. How long single? and Why?
3. What are your future plans?
I have found it's extremely important to really listen ...and hear the way the answers are given. How the story is told is a very valuable tool. Sincerity, honesty, forgiving, warm-hearted answers are best. If someone complains, blames, accuses and points his finger at the ex, it is meaningless to me. There are always two sides to every story.
Nila: Listening will tell you a lot too. It's amazing what people will say and do that let's you know who they really are. More and more I have found that to be true. It saves a lot of grief down the road if you listen for a while. Some peoples words are much different than their behavior.
Jim: I have friends who both married for the first time at 45+. Both are successful and outgoing. Their key has been the ability to respect one another's space....
Kim: C.S. Lewis married for the first time @ 50 +.
Barbara: It totally depends on their personality and heart... Gotta get to know who they are as individuals before such a blanket statement is made. I've known some bachelors that did fit her concern, but they were either a "wild-child" or self-centered to begin with. I've also known men who said "I do" for the 1st time at ages 49 or 55 that are quite happily married....just took the time to find Mrs. RIGHT!!!
Carey: What!?! This is crazy! I am afraid that when and if God wills that I find that person I will be too obsessive and make her my whole life!
Trisha: it's possible there was a lot of things he wanted to do with his life that if he were married he couldn't do. I'm 40 and I'm that way....It's God's timing and will for our lives....His timing, will, ways are not like ours. Maybe want ever God had for this man to do the man had to be single to do.
As you can see, we have some very smart, insightful and experienced friends! As we always advise Cache' Connections members, keep an open mind about the people God is putting in your path.