"I worry I have something stuck in my teeth"

Here are some excerpts from last night's expert-led chat with Emily Shupert:

Expert Emily: I am here to help with your dating questions, so fire away!
Member1: Question: I find that I can communicate much easier with guys via email, but when it comes to having conversation in person, I fail miserably. Any suggestions?
Expert Emily: Great question! I'll ask a few more questions to get a better picture of the situation.... When does it feel like you aren't connecting or communicating well? From the beginning?
Member1: Yes, after the usual niceties, "hi, how are you!"
Expert Emily: First of all, that is totally normal, so you are not alone. That is why online communication is so successful because you can be totally honest without having to be face to face. Let's look at what you think is causing the barrier between you being the "online you" when you are face to face with the person
Member1: Ok
Expert Emily: Do you feel nervous about conversing with him? what is going on inside of you when you initially meet? Sometimes nerves, high expectations, etc can be a fog that separates us from presenting who we really are in dating situations. Before we can get rid of that fog, we need to know what it is.
Member1: Then... my mind draws a blank and I start getting self-conscious because I can't think of what to say.
Expert Emily: Let's elongate that introduction and make it continue throughout the date night.....when you say "focus" does that mean that you get nervous and stuck on those introductions? When we are "self conscious" on a date, where is the focus? On the self. Unfortunately, being self conscious robs us from experiencing the other person because of the continual focus on self. This also distracts you and doesn't portray the true uninhibited you since you are probably not as self conscious as you are in real life as you are on the date.
Member1: I don't get stuck on the intros, it's just after that. I start wondering if there's something stuck in my teeth, am I speaking well, is my hair in place, etc. I'm quite introverted. Even around my family sometimes.
Expert Emily: No worries....use your introversion to your benefit. If you are introverted, you can use your time with yourself to think of topics you want to discuss (5 total) so that when you find yourself getting self conscious, you can bring one of the 5 up. Also, I encourage you to be aware of when you think of your insecurities and take a second to take a deep breath and then ask him a question.
If you are introverted, you probably don't like small talk and a lot of talking in general....you would rather be with an intimate small group or by yourself.
However, use your introversion for you and ask him some questions....5 questions you plan beforehand. This shows that you are interested in him while also allowing yourself time to listen and not be "on" to speak all the time
Member1: Yep, small group and once I get to know you, I can talk all day!
Member2: I pray before I call or go on a date. I feel less self conscious knowing that I am dating a Christian who will not hold me to the secular world's criteria.
Expert Emily: That is a great way to keep perspective! And remember, that it is all in the Lord's hands as well....he can redeem even the worst dates :)
Member2: Ee, I sent you a second question: is there a time frame when one should move from online communication?
Expert Emily: ... it depends on what you feel comfortable with and what he feels comfortable with. If he suggests meeting in person the first time you talk, you might not feel great about it. However if you have been talking for a month, it might be a good time to meet in person.
Member2: Let's not skip a step. Online communication then Phone communication. You can learn more from tone of voice and topics of conversations before moving to the coffee shop.
Expert Emily: That is a great idea....i would then suggest a coffee date but be sure to not keep on doing coffee dates...that can get really old! Some people prefer the the phone call first and others the coffee shop as the next step.....depends on what you like. I also suggest people going to an outdoor mall area to grab coffee and people watch. Whenever you lack conversation, you can always talk about others and make fun conversation. I also like suggesting that people go out on group dates or with a group of friends. Once you have been on several dates, it is important to see how the other person interacts with his/her friends....they put on their best show while dating but when they are with friends, they will probably be more themselves. And in regards to people watching, be sure not to make negative comments...but use the people watching for topic openers. I.e if you see an elderly couple, you can talk about your grandparents or see a young family and talk about how you want to have a family one day, etc.
Member4: ok, so start with online, if things go ok, decide if meeting or phone and making sure we meet friends and also get them out with our friends, then?
Member2: Pray and listen
Expert Emily: Then you guys continue to date but date intentionally....read the Drs Rodgers books on intentional dating, great stuff!
Expert Emily: Hope that this answered everyone's questions and was helpful! I think that we have gone through a lot tonight and have created a great outline for the dating process!

Cache' Connections members are free to join in the expert-led chats and community chats as part of their membership. Check out Scheduled Events for times and dates!

~Linda