Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Recaps from Last Night's Chat with Linda
We had a small but cordial group in The Meeting Room last night, where Founder/Linda offered some basic tips and insights to help Cache' Connections members navigate the sea of online dating. Here are some highlights:
Linda: Well it is 8:00. Are you both members of CC?
Linda: Great! Any questions on your minds?
Chatter: Where are the gentlemen?
Linda: haha, well, statistically there are many more Christian single ladies than men, and the ratios on the site are 3 women to each man. But it looks like they are all in your Not Interested tab ::blush
Chatter: Well, the majority don't feel the same about abstinence.
Linda: I see. That's a good reason.
Chatter: I think so. If someone is going to be uncommitted to this christian value, what others will there be?
Linda: That's true. Well, we do pray for more men to be saved, and for Christian men to get out there and spread the gospel to their coworkers, etc. So that is one thing we can all be doing.
Did you find not one who is committed? Because what we tell people, esp. women, that they really can't afford to be toooooo choosey in this search. For instance, you might be waiting for a very long time for a guy who makes X amt of money, is committed to abstinence, lives within 50 miles, wants kids, etc. Oh and is tall dark and handsome and w/o baggage.
Chatter: No one is without baggage; but some were too far away.
Linda: It doesn't hurt to go over your Not Interested profiles and prayerfully reconsider some of them. Many times we do this with mentoring clients and they say, "I don't know why I moved him; he seems interesting, etc." Or on the blind date service and they end up paying us to go out on a date with someone they had marked as Not Interested.
Chatter: I did write to one, but he was not interested. But you are right, it is something to prayerfully consider.
Chatter: I just today went into the not interested, either they were too young or lived in another state.
Linda: Well does everyone have their primary photos on file??
Linda: ...and everyone has their dealmakers/dealbreakers and they are not repetitive ...
Chatter: And so how do you recommend we analyze what might be problematic with our profiles if we're simply not hearing from *anyone* --in the "preferred" Or in the "not interested," even when we initiate a conversation?
Linda: Hmm ... well ... the usual turn-offs for guys, if I may be blunt ...
Chatter: go ahead.
Chatter: I'm braced.
Linda: are looks and/or a woman who seems to want a man who makes more money than he does.
Chatter: neither of which we can do anything about!
Linda: Also if anything in your bio sounds too negative ... or needy ...
Chatter: The most important thing, to me, is if a man truly loves God, and practices what he says. "seek first the kingdom of God and all of these things shall be added unto you." It seems to me, that it is very difficult to find that kind of man. But not impossible, if God wills.
Linda: Hi ___! It's a man!!
Chatter: What, is this Sadie Hawkins day - great!
Linda: We have a question for you. What do men want?
Man: Hey, this man wants good communication, just like gals (or like they say they do?)
Linda: That's not asking too much.
Man: Anyway, since I'm the only guy, what do Women want? I thought honesty, politeness, attentiveness, listening, trying to draw another person out? Or?
Chatter: Those are all good qualities.
Linda: women want a godly man ... someone to listen, protect, defend, do life with. We hear also that they want men who are masculine. We get a few comments from ladies that Christian men overall don't seem very masculine. They also want a man who would accept their kids/family.
Man: In addition, here is what I hear (a lot): Women want someone who is fun, light-hearted, laughs a lot, does not take himself too seriously.
Linda: Let's talk communication. What would you say on an initial email to someone of interest? Anyone?
Chatter: I would just send a smiley. I'm not used to being the aggressor.
Chatter: I would look at their profile and look at some things of interest and relate an email to something they had written.
Linda: It is not aggressive to send a friendly hello.
Man: Hopefully you mean the initiator?
Chatter: yes, initiator, lol.
Linda: Man, do men mind getting the first message?
Man: No. We like it if it is a person we would have initiated with ourselves.
Linda: Man, if it was someone you Weren't going to write to, would it cause you to take a 2nd look, if you like the message she sends?
Man: I think that happened once, I had "new eyes" when someone wrote me.
(insert chatter about what members say on an initial message)
Man: Hmm, on this site, I have only answered a few messages, and have met only one person live. But in general, I do what (Chatter) suggested, I try to pick up on (almost) everything they mention. Then they write back, and answer maybe 60% of my questions, and that is a good connection.
Linda: Man, it sounds like maybe you are too close to 100 Questions. It can be intimidating and exhausting to feel like you have to address a ton of questions right out of the gate. And a bit too ... presumptuous.
Man: But that also filters out candidates who might be on a different wavelength.
Linda: But can you be sure?
Chatter: I think it's good to pick a few things to ask about...it's an introduction..and also giving the reader the feeling that it's okay if they opt out of the questions, if they are not interested.
Man: On another site, I met someone whose profile was as detailed as mine, and very sort of oriented to a committed Christian life. This was easy to respond to, the women describes herself as a little bit intense and therefore perhaps intimidating to some, but I was comfortable with it. It is probably a 5 percentile thing, though, so I agree with Linda that you cannot be sure what type your new match is, therefore, ought to err on the side of brevity.
Linda: yes yes.
(insert chatter re: speed dating events)
Man: Hard to date when people are also going back for more education or have 2 jobs, etc. If someone has 2 or 3 hours a week for a relationship, that is a lot, for some folks. So, what is the critical mass that tips the balance?
Chatter: I thought u would want to build a possible relationship and u can't do that on 2 or 3 hrs a wk. I just met someone that is doing that, and I'm not a happy camper, lol.
Man: Yes, that's what I mean: people are too busy, that's all you get.
Linda: But, again, generally speaking, People Make Time to Do What They Want to Do.
See Who They Want to See.
The chatters stayed after Linda left and continued chatting about more personal issues. The Meeting Room is a great place to "rub elbows" with others in the same stage of life as you are, who have the same "single world view" that you do. Watch the Events tab at Cache' Connections for more upcoming chats!