Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The Waiting Game?

We think we may have created a blogging monster, but here's another great post from our guest, B.J. from Georgia:

Okay, I have to admit, I missed a bit of my Southern upbringing, and didn’t properly introduce myself at my last posting. So a few tidbits about me.

1. The question I get most often usually revolves around being ’39 and single’. People seem to automatically turn into junior detectives trying to figure out how such an unseemly thing could happen. The answer, though simple, may not be obvious.

a. I have been through a time in my life when my maturity level would not have made me a good husband, so I didn’t try to become one.

b. Once I was ready to become one, I had dated enough women that I was pretty particular about what to look for in a potential wife. I’m open and receptive to what God has for me, and I don’t put Him on a timetable. That’s His job. In a nutshell, I’m 39 and single because I’m determined to find the right fit. God will let me know when that is. I’m happy and content. In the meantime, I enjoy all the rest of His blessings. He has given me, (as He gives everyone) MANY of them. I just make a pretty conscious effort to make sure that when the lady that God has sent crosses my path, I’ll be READY.

2. The things I say are my own personal opinions, based on my own experiences and viewpoint. No more, no less. I wouldn’t presume to preach to anyone about what they should do. That’s for each individual to decide, and if people get some type of good direction, or at least food for thought from what I say, so be it.

3. That said, I look at the Bible as a mirror, rather than as a magnifying glass. I take care of myself, and my progeny (when they come), and when it comes to everyone else, I speak my thoughts and beliefs, but ultimately leave it up to God to judge them. I believe firmly in “treating my neighbor as myself” and “not casting the first stone” at a ‘sinner’ due to the fact that, by definition, I am a ‘born sinner’ myself.

Okay enough about me. Back to dating. Last time I talked about “nice guys” and the need for men to properly use the “Womanese” definition of the phrase when we consider it. I wrote that blog because I’ve talked to a number of “nice guys” (the “Manglish” version, i.e. ‘too nice’) who could be really good catches, but got really frustrated because the lady they wanted to meet would usually end up being ‘just friends’ or liking him ‘like a brother’. Can’t build good marriage prospects from there. That information helped me out immensely, and I figured it could be helpful to someone else. (By the way, if you’re stuck on “womanese” and “manglish”, check out my previous blog…)

This time, let’s go in a different direction. This experience that I’d like to share can quite possibly help men and women alike.

I used to be a personal trainer. That was one of the most fun jobs, because I got to really abuse people (in a good way), they would hate my guts for all of a month or so, and then want to name their children after me by month 3. One lady in particular that I trained was overweight (not morbidly, but she was out of shape), not happy about it and not very motivated. She was also single (and NOT happy about it), and I was in a relationship at the time. One day, we had a conversation about men, and how “shallow” we are, when it comes to weight. She thought it was unfair that she had to starve herself and do all this hard work, just to make herself attractive to a man she desired.

My response to her, was not to look at working out and eating properly as something to do for men, but something to do for herself. Also, she didn’t need to think about getting ‘skinny’, she needed to think about it as getting ‘healthy’. Being overweight, and/or out of shape causes all kinds of preventable health problems, can mess with our confidence, and shorten our life spans. Somehow I don’t think that is God’s plan. In my opinion, He wants us to be the best “me” we can be. A lot of us have other priorities, but being our absolute best in health, character, etc (kind of like what the “womanese” version of a “nice guy” needs to be) has benefits that go far beyond our imaginations.

I never had a client that regretted the lifestyle change that helped them get into better shape. They didn’t just look better, they FELT better, gained more confidence and energy, and, as time progressed, a lot of other factors in their lives became better as well. It’s as if their decision to improve themselves… and the implementation of it… allowed God to shower them with many, many more blessings.
This made me think. When people are in the dating world, and they say things like “I’ve been waiting patiently for God to bring me the right person, but it is taking too long”, could it be that God is also WAITING FOR THEM to prioritize improving their lives in some way so that he will shower blessings on them?

Your thoughts?
~ B.J.
Cache' Connections member


Anonymous said...

"I have been through a time in my life when my maturity level would not have made me a good husband, so I didn’t try to become one."

Question: Did you recognize that level of maturity while you were in the moment, or is this an evaluation based upon retropection?

Do men express this self-realized defecit in man-code? "No strings attached", "open relationship", "focused on career", "I'm a player", "Why buy the cow...", etc., etc.

I've always heard that a man will play the field until he meets the one that he wants to marry, and since there are so many women to "sample", he's in no rush. I have never known a man to realize (or proclaim) a lack of maturity for marriage.

B.J. said...

TO answer your questions:

1. Kind of both. When I was in the moment, I knew that I wasn't "ready for marriage" because I wasn't at a place in my life financially (not always the best reason) or mentally (VERY good reason) to get married. I was having too much fun just being single, plus my view of marriage wasn't the best. Looking back, I can now easily see that my maturity level was a major factor.

2. Can't really speak for all men, we are all different. My opinion though, each of those things means he doesn't want a relationship with the woman he's talking to. No need to read any further, just accept it, or move on. Keeping it simple is usually best. My 2 cents.