Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Recaps from last night's chat on dealing with prior heartbreak
Last night's chat was on a not-so-fun topic of dealing with breakups. We've all had them, but it is all too common to deal with them inappropriately. Almost all of the participants had dated someone who could only talk about their "ex," going on and on about how poorly they were treated. Drs. Tom and Bev Rodgers, authors of The Singlehood Phenomenon, state that this is a sure sign that a person has not healed.
Grieving is uncomfortable; most people don't want to go through the grieving process because of the pain. Our "feel good" society encourages us to move on to the next "fix," which is merely a band-aid to mask the pain of a prior heartbreak. The doctors say, "you can't heal what you can't feel." We must allow ourselves to feel the pain, hurt and rejection of the demise of a relationship. Also, it's important to prayerfully consider what part you played in the downfall of the relationship, and allow God to heal your heart.
According to Imago relationship theory, if you don't become consciously aware of your unhealthy attraction patterns, you are likely to pick mates who are similar to each other. So if you had a bad relationship and don't recover from it, you are likely to repeating old patterns. As one chatter said, "you treat the good guy like the bad guy - oh no!"
The doctors recommend waiting three months after a dating break-up. This, of course, depends on the length of the relationship and whether the break-up was a "clean break." We joked that it can't be three months of stalking :)
Some of the chatters were surprised to hear that the accepted waiting period before pursuing a relationship after divorce is 1 year for every 4 years of marriage.
The only male participant had the full attention of the ladies. He said, "I'd say guys cover up our hurts as a matter of instinct, which isn't the best way to handle it. We don't open up about things much. We certainly feel though." He stated that guys don't want to talk to women about these issues, but the right friend/brother/pastor can be very helpful in reviewing the situation and helping to see it in the proper light.
The group encouraged each other and gave plenty of tips on how they handled their heartbreak and found healing, with God's help.
Join us next Monday, May 10 as we discuss Chapter 9, An Unbalanced Focus on Career.
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