The topic of who is to be the pursuer is one we could probably write about weekly and (almost) never wear it out. We constantly hear from female members that complain, "No one has written to me. If they were interested, they would write. I want to be pursued." Heck, who doesn't?
Maybe out of boredom or a desire to stir things up, I posted the following status on my Facebook wall the other night: So many women say they prefer to "lie in wait" of a man to pursue, rather than send the first message online. While that sounds nice on "paper," it frustrates me as a matchmaker. For whatever reason, it seems that men don't send that many first messages. Someone has to make the first move in order for there to be a match. Unless, of course, they want to pay more money for Cache' Connections to do it personally ... :) Or maybe they don't really want a match? Hmm. Thoughts?
Oh yes, there were thoughts. Mostly from women - no surprise. Here are some of the comments:
Dee Dee: I hear what your saying Linda and your right. So, now I do make the first move on Cache' and send out the first note. Out of the many (I think 6) only 3 gentlemen responded. I get it now, its tough for both men and women. How do we find that happy middle ground where we can all meet and chat. That's where I am working towards as a single! :O
Valerie: I disagree with Linda. If a man is really interested in a woman he will pursue her. If she pursues him, he may just spend time with her until the woman he really wants comes along. I think this whole role reversal thing that is going on in society is not good. Men are supposed to be the leaders in the family, Biblically. Men are meant to be the initiators and leaders. (Lots of "likes" on this one, all female.)
Enza: You're right Valerie...that's what men are supposed to be....but this generation of men has lost their image and lack manhood (sorry guys!)....that's why woman as myself have a hard time finding quality men,because if I have a leader personality and am a decision maker, he needs to be above me in leadership and decision-making! Lack of pursuit from men is only a STRONG indication of men's WEAKNESS! At the same time, it doesn't matter who's initiating the communication...that's ALL that is! It's not a marriage proposal! LOL! I still don't understand why so many "rules" and why christian woman continue to be so inhibited!
Linda: I understand Valerie. This actually goes pretty deep with the societal issues. It's just that for now, it kinda seems that both genders have dug their heals in or are hiding and thus we have the Singlehood Phenomenon. #frustratedandi'mnotsingle
Linda to Enza: there ya go. nuttin in the Bible that says a woman can't say hello. think: Ruth.
Annah: The game does not stand still for the hunter. She should give a glimpse and wait to be pursued. A woman of God is close to her father on the apple tree and takes effort to reach ,because she is not low hanging fruit! Real leaders in men are so hard to find for a woman who has become the leader in her own life. Submitting to the right leader when pursued will be easy because he has submitted to God. Men need to be men for a woman who is a woman!
Valerie: I have been told several times that a Godly woman can be found by a man who is seeking and serving God. I think when women jump ahead of God and pursue a man that they are not waiting for God's best. I realize this means I may not have a date for a long time, but I trust Jesus that He will put a man of God in my life at the right time and the right place..... all in God's timing.
Sharon: People are afraid to make mistakes.. get the wrong person.. but those who take the first step often find thats all they need.. how many of us watch programes on TV that show people facing their fears.. and coming out winners even if they don't get the prize at the end..
Lisa: But I'm not waiting on someone to make the first move I'm waiting on God.
Michele: I'm sorry but anytime I have made the first move, I NEVER get a response. I think that men sort of view it as being needy or desperate. I also think God created man to be the hunter (or pursuer, if you will) and most women need/want to be pursued (not stalked, lol). We want to be found/chosen. It reminds me of our relationship with Christ. The Bible says we love Him because He first loved us. It also equates the mans role to that of Christ and the woman's role to that of the church. If our men pursued and loved us the way Christ loved the church, I think it would be a foundation and bond not easily broken.
Annah: Lisa remember God always gives us a choice! We should wait on him but sometimes he wants is to make a choice. Don't be afraid to meet new people and make the first step as friends. Then it's up to him to pursue!!! This dating and waiting stuff will be worth it!!
Sharon: I wonder though Lisa if GOD does bring people into our lives sometimes and we are supposed to do something?? I mean do a little pursuing.. its hard.. I keep thinking back to when Abraham sent out his servant to find his son a wife.. lol.. I know yes thats rather a loooonng way back.. I just listen to peoples stories how they meet and its all types.. forward females.. to persistant males.. internet.. even a woman who used to sleep as a homeless person in the door way of someones store.. and he got to know her and they fell in love.. aww.. beautiful..
Cheryl: I think that proof of desire is in pursuit. This holds true in many areas of life but especially in relationships. I believe if a man does not pursue a woman, there's usually a reason. If they are on cache connections, my guess is that most men (maybe not all) are pursuing the women or woman they are most interested in.
Lisa: I must admit Cheryl is right! Of course I have first hand experience in this area. ( : If a guy is interested, he will blow up your phone, knock down your door, beg, plead and simply not take a NO...If he is into you. When a guy dawdles, shows low interest, does not call...or makes the woman do the work..She needs to run, cuz he is lazy! Lol
Tom: If a man is not willing to make the first move, a woman should not want him. A woman should not make the first move in order to guard her heart.
Sara: Speaking as someone who has pursued men, I refuse to do it again. It's very painful. And it makes me look like a stalker =) Call me old fashioned, but I want to be "courted". Not the other way around.
Les: A guy should be the pursuer but it IS nice if a gal gives us a little sign!
Lisa: I don't think it really matters who chases who as long as God's in it!! Otherwise it's futile.
Linda: A couple things to keep in mind are: With online dating, this is a 1-dimension atmosphere. You don't have the advantages of meeting in person such as eye contact, fairmones, a friend to break the ice, and other nuances. What that leaves us with is a photo and some words on a screen. Many men will judge mostly by the photo, and they have a specific type in their mind, whether it's right or wrong. We've seen so many couples pass each other up online, only to meet at an event and learn there is in fact an attraction. So I suggest that we take full advantage of online dating and send a dang message. What can it hurt? If you saw a man at church or in a restaurant, would you keep your nose down and body language closed? Or would you poke your girlfriend, nod and giggle a little bit and drop a hankie, lol? Men think they know what they want, but sometimes they need our help (Gen 2:18)
Lisa: Linda, I fully understand this subject and empathize with the others. What I have come to understand about meeting eligible mates, is that you have to put your self out their. God is a God of action, not sitting back n waiting for something to happen. When we do our part God can assist. I also pray that I meet men who are equal to me, similar interest, taste, physical qualities n spiritual. This has proven to be very helpful. But, I have had to put myself out there and that includes dating sites.
Lisa: sometimes we are called to wait, sorry but I know this to be true! it doesn't mean we're sitting back and doing nothing, it is ACTIVELY waiting!
Since this is our blog, we get to have the last word. I just want to clarify that Cache' Connections does not necessarily take the stance that women should be the pursuers in a relationship. There's a difference between saying hello and being a pursuer.
~ Linda
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2 comments:
It seems that many Christian women want to be pursued, but they only want to be pursued by men that they have decided that they are interested in. Men often don't know that you are interested and don't want to be rejected or treated like stalkers. Let them know that you are interested by turning on the charm and flirting with them. Most men are not mind-readers and don't pick up on subtle clues, so you have to be bold. Then it's up to the guy. If he doesn't respond, then he isn't interested, so you should move on to someone else. If you are on-line, it doesn't matter who sends out the first "hi, how are you?" message. If there is no response, then the person probably isn't interested, so move on. Men will usually do the pursuing if they are interested and know that you are interested. Why would a man want to pursue a woman if he thinks he might be treated like a stalker for contacting her?
Thank you for your wonderful conclusion, Linda: "There's a difference between saying hello and being a pursuer". I agree. Just as when a person is in front of me, I will NOT ignore that person, it's the same on-line....just saying "hello" and making friends. I really have a hard time understanding why christian men and women think it's any different on-line.
Enza, Il
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