The nighttime wind off the Pacific was cold but invigorating. Sitting next to me at the end of the Santa Monica pier was a girl with dark eyes and long brown hair. She had just asked me an important question. My answer would affect both of our lives. I breathed deep and gazed down at the dark waves below. Then I turned to her and smiled.
“No,” I said. “I don’t like country music. In fact, it makes me kind of nauseous.”
Her eyes exploded in surprise. A moment ago, she told me that she went country-western dancing every weekend. When she asked if I liked country music, a pivotal moment had arrived. I could tell her the truth or I could soft-peddle my answer in hope of keeping the relationship alive. I’d done the latter too often and gone through too much misery as a result.
By my twenty-sixth year, my dating life yielded results so preposterous that I had no choice but to take a break from the romance rat race. My first date after a two year break wasn’t going well. Our differences extended well beyond The Toby Keith Problem. We had significant differences in theology. Our life goals and priorities didn’t match. She also didn’t get my sense of humor, which meant she must have some neurological damage, because I’m really funny. Though nobody said it aloud, we both knew the relationship wasn’t going to work. After my revelation on the pier, we cut the night short and I took her home. I kept my distance as she entered her apartment, sparing her the awkward pause on the doorstep.
Though I’d driven away from lousy first dates before, something was different this time. There was no anxiety, no dread of being alone for the rest of my life. I felt disappointment, but not despair. During my two years off from dating, I’d focused on my relationship with God and my own sense of purpose. I developed a life that was meaningful and fun. I strengthened friendships instead of searching for romance. As a result, I enjoyed being me, girlfriend or no. Leaving a woman at her doorstep and returning to my own life had never been so easy.
After that night, I embarked on a string of first dates. Every woman got the genuine Steve. I wanted to share my life with someone, and misrepresenting that life defeated the whole purpose of dating. I was honest about controversial opinions and didn’t work so hard to hide my shortcomings. Authentic dating was much more fun than the anxious hemming and hawing that once dominated my romantic pursuits.
Six months after that awkward first date by the ocean, I met the woman who would become my wife. We met at a U2 concert, and she never asked if I liked country music
I would love to give you Five Simple Steps to Authentic Dating, but it doesn’t work that way. The process of building authenticity and self-esteem is complex and ongoing. Below are a few principles to get you started, but they all require patience and constant attention to your relationship with God.
Get a life. Authentic dating requires a serious commitment to Christ and a sense of meaning and purpose in your life. Without these things, you’re more apt to believe that finding the perfect mate results in a perfect life. Not only is this untrue, it raises the stakes ridiculously high. Your future is on the line every time you go on a date. If your life already feels exciting, however, riding the romance rollercoaster won’t be nearly as frightening. It might even start to be fun.
Tell the truth. Getting your smooth on only has short-term benefits. Be honest about your opinions, tastes, and life goals. You don’t have to be abrupt or rude, but don’t present yourself as your date’s dream partner, either. “Be yourself” isn’t just good advice when it comes to dating; you have no choice in the long run. The truth will come out sooner or later. The later it comes out, the more damage it will do.
Assess before you impress. Don’t become so focused on impressing the object of your affection that you ignore your own feelings. You know that woman or man who flees a relationship as soon as the other person expresses serious interest? They do it because being loved is more important to them than sharing a life with someone. They don’t take a good look at the person they’re pursuing until it’s too late.
Don’t lie to yourself. A buddy of mine fell hard and fast for a woman who wanted to be a missionary. He convinced himself that a life in the mission field would be exciting. They ended up dating for over a year. When he realized that she was determined to be a missionary and he had no desire to follow her, he broke up with her. Infatuation can make you capable of great change and sacrifice in the beginning. This can breed resentment and heartache once the fires cool.
Remember your first love. Christ is the only one who can provide the fulfillment you’re looking for. Philippians 4:19 says that God can meet all our needs. Asking someone else to do that makes him or her an idol, one that will topple once you realize he or she is weak and imperfect, just like you. In Hebrews 13:5, God promises never to leave us or forsake us. Your dating journey might not always be easy, but you’ll never be alone on the road.
Stephen W. Simpson, Ph.D. is the author of What Women Wish You Knew about Dating and Assaulted by Joy: The Redemption of a Cynic. He is a clinical psychologist and a professor in the School of Psychology at Fuller Theological Seminary. For more articles, visit www.stephenwsimpson.com
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