Chat recaps: After 3 years he said he doesn't love me anymore ...

Here are the highlights from last night's monthly chat led by "Expert Emily" Shupert, a relationship therapist from Atlanta, GA:

Chatter: why do so many guys find it so hard to risk asking a woman out for a date?

Emily: Great question, are you asking for why it's hard for you or why it's been hard in the past?

Chatter: It's still hard for me. After all, it shouldn't be the decision of a lifetime...or is it?

Emily: It is a big decision but asking on a date is different from marriage. Many singles make a huge focus on the first date and asking out because they put the weight of the wrong marriage on them.

Chatter: weight of the wrong marriage? please elaborate!

Emily: Yes, it takes a lot of courage to ask someone out and when rejection occurs, it is easy to shut down for future dating. However, just because someone or some people have said "no" it doesn't mean that everyone will in the future. The difficult thing is that when you are asking future folks out, you need to have worked through your fear of rejection since that might be projected onto the new date. Many times we take our fears from past rejection and we put that between us and those who might be possible dating options. They don't stand a chance if we are still walking around and feeling the pain of past rejection.

Chatter: if I see a lady in a singles group, but once or twice a month, and only get to speak with her a few minutes, and I don't feel I know her well enough to ask her on a date, is this ever going to go anywhere????

Emily: Great question! I think that it Can go somewhere but only if something changes.... meaning she or you take initiative to go out. What about this..."I've really enjoyed talking with you in this class but would love to know more about your story, faith, etc. Would you be interested in grabbing lunch or something after church next week?"

Chatter: should men consider women who are not at all in the ball park of what we are hoping for? I don't mean just looks. If I'm athletic, and she's a couch potato, am I correct in avoiding such women? What a dull life, I'm in shape, and she is constantly sickly, tired and with no energy...

Emily: while the phrase that you probably hear in dating is "opposites attract" its actually a myth to some extent....you can have opposites for sure but successful couples do need to have similarities in key areas such as finances, work, faith, etc. or it will be a big area of contention. So, while you might be very active and someone else doesn't get off the couch, I don't know if they are for sure not a match for you but it might be difficult to spend time together when your "leisure time" will be different from hers.

Chatter: what do you do when you love someone and they don't love you back?

Emily: Great question...is this in a dating relationship? marriage?

Chatter: dating relationship.

Emily: So challenging, I'm sorry to hear! How long did it take until he told you/you found out?

Chatter: my suggestion would be to cut your losses & move on. despite the initial heart ache & grieving process better to know than long investment of time "hoping for them to change their mind."

Emily: did you tell him that you loved him and he told you he loved you? I'm curious because 3 years is a long time, did he say "I'm not in love with you anymore" or that he never was in love with you?

Chatter: he said He never was in love with me, but I don't believe it or I'm naive.

Emily: Oh no! So painful! I look at love as not merely a word that we see in Hollywood movies tossed around but a verb that is displayed in actions. Love is caring for someone and the fruit of it is seen in an honesty, respect for your emotions, and an authenticity that is seen throughout the relationship. Many individuals say that they love someone but they can easily fall in and out of love...love is a verb that is displayed on a continual basis...not someone that comes/goes. Yes, love can increase and chemistry can increase but love is seen as a constant and if you see him/her respecting the other person, putting his/her needs first, envying others, etc then love isn't present.

Chatter: I just feel as if I have wasted 3 years thinking that this relationship would lead to something deeper, but honestly I feel used.

Chatter: sometimes in our heart we really know that it's exactly as it is on the surface but still hope that it will be different so we hang around. I have a friend who hung around for 10 years waiting for the man to ask her to marry him.

Emily: I'm so sorry to hear about this but I'd encourage you to look at the situation and consider what you learned. God is "green" in our pain...he recycles everything! For His glory and your good!

Chatter: it's a learning opportunity take time to learn about yourself & know better what your needs & expectations are from the get go so next time you won't invest 3 years. These conversations should start long before that.

Emily: Yes, after a 3 year relationship, I'd encourage anyone to take a break and do some counseling to find out where the holes were and how to not make the same path for the future....even if it was unfortunate, it is always an opportunity for growth!

Chatter: single and lonely is sad...married and lonely is tragic.

Emily: Yes, nothing is more lonely than being alone in a marriage that is unhealthy! It takes two whole people to make a marriage work...no one can complete someone else, that isn't another person's job nor is it possible. Taking time to develop yourself is the biggest investment you can make in your future! If you stay single and lonely, you will become married and lonely because you didn't take an opportunity to develop yourself. You can use this time to develop and grow and then enter into a healthy relationship.

Chatter: Emily that's true i think most of us so much hate that lonely feeling we don't want to give it time to pass but it does.

Emily: yes, very true! I love books, counseling, and sermons that can help you become the person God intended...spend time with Him as well, let Him meet you in your place of woundedness and loneliness and see how He is able to meet you there!
Lonely can bring us in to solitude with ourselves and our heavenly father or it can bring us into feeling like a victim and feeling sorry for ourselves....same beginning but different outcomes.

Chatter: At what point should finances be discussed? going steady or engaged? some women I know are trying to figure out how much $$$ I make by what kind of job I hold, they are very nosey about what I do for a living, then they ask where I live, so they can figure out what kind of neighborhood I can afford.

Emily: It's something that you can see and observe easily on a consistent basis...actions speak louder than words. So, while you might not know about past or current debt, seeing how he/she deals with money can be a great answer. In addition, I'd encourage you to talk about money before ever going towards the alter. I do pre-marriage counseling with people who are in love but don't have a similar stance on money...it can be late in the game to talk about money in the engagement period. Plus, folks are usually so smitten during that time that they down play some big deal breakers such as money issues, in laws, etc. I'd encourage you to discuss money once the relationship is defined and stable. Don't talk about it on the first date but definitely don't talk about it after the wedding :) Last comment though, I'd encourage you and your date to discuss over books like Dave Ramsey's money makeover book, Crown Ministries materials, etc as they talk about $ issues and behaviors in a Christian perspective.

Chatter: Good advice!

Emily: So, the next question I believe was in regards to dating someone and he doesn't let others know? He flirts with other women or he doesn't let them know you are dating...is that correct?

Chatter: Yes.

Emily: Well, I'd encourage you to be very honest with him. I don't encourage "you make me feel" because no one can make us feel anything without us giving them permission. However, their actions can influence us. I'd encourage your showing him what is happening and how you are feeling. i.e. "when I see girls flirt with you, I have a difficult time feeling secure in our relationship. I'd like to feel secure in our relationship but I also want to hear your thoughts as we work towards a possible ways to go forward.

Chatter: That sounds good.

Emily: If he says, "you're crazy, that's not what I am doing" then I'd encourage you to not argue...but say how you feel and own your responses...someone who loves you might not always agree with everything you do but that's ok, he needs to respect you and honor you!

Ok folks, it's almost time. I hope you guys have had a wonderful evening and it's been a pleasure chatting with each and every one of you :) Great feedback and comments...feel free to keep chatting! I've got to jet to prep for sessions tomorrow but continue to converse and gain insights from one another.. wise crowd tonight :)
God bless!

Join Emily on Sunday night, June 5th at 7:30 pm CST for her next chat based on Boundaries in Dating. Emily is passionate about helping Christian singles make better choices so that they will be healthy daters that can progress into healthy marriages that are pleasing to God.

~ Linda
Cache' Connections

Recaps from Sunday night's chat with Expert Emily

"Expert Emily" Shupert led a chat on Sunday night on boundaries in dating. Other questions came up too, for which she is always game. Here are some highlights that may be helpful to you:

Chatter: how does one handle the "do you have a job?" question when one doesn't have one at the moment...life still goes on... I mean, really, if that's a deal breaker, then it must be all about the money to the other person!

Emily: I think $$$ (finances) is a legit question once the relationship is moving towards exclusive. I think that you can use this as an opportunity to share your journey and what your hopes are, what you are doing to get a job, etc. Life has so many ups and downs and it is important that you are with someone who will accept you and encourage you at both ends of the spectrum. However, if one doesn't have a job and hasn't done anything towards getting one, isn't interviewing, and hasn't had a job for a while, then that is something that might be a red flag for potential dates.

Chatter: can't people think of other things to talk about than one's profession? I know it occupies about 1/3 of our awake hours during the week, and it Is important. not trying to be a pessimist, just realistic. I agree on the red flag.

Emily: Yes, but talking about work is an easy surface conversation that can open into other discussion points. However, if one can only talk about a job and nothing else, than the person might be preoccupied only in work and nothing else....shows a lack of balance in life.

Chatter: so unemployed people probably ought to refrain from dating until they get a job???

Emily: Nope, but they can highlight other areas of their life such as hobbies, faith, family, etc. While jobs take up 1/3 of one's day or more, there is an opportunity to not focus only on jobs (or lack of one) by focusing on other aspects of your life. While it is a wonderful discussion on a date, it is important to not focus only on jobs and show other parts of yourself. Many times we talk about what we feel most comfortable revealing, many times if you are confident in your work yet feeling uncomfortable on a date, it is easy to resort to talking only on work.

Emily: Lets think of other things that we can talk about on a date..... or things you don't talk about :)

Chatter: One of the most important things I like to ask is for the person to share their salvation experience. I need to know that they have a relationship with Christ and not just religion.

Emily:  That is a great point. While some might not go that deep on a first date, what you said is insightful because it allows the other person to talk.

Chatter: so many people talk when they feel uncomfortable but what do you think it feels like for that other person when they feel like they can't get a word in?
everyone would do well to learn to be a >good listener<

Emily: Just as important as it is for sharing about you, it is important to ask insightful questions that make the other person feel valued. It is sometimes easier to think about what we might say, how to respond, etc, we forget to really still everything inside of us to listen and simply be with the other person.

Chatter: that's a good strategy to be genuinely interested in the other person, and it takes some of the pressure off of yourself!

Emily: Instead of thinking of what you would say (i.e. "me too, I had a similar situation where, blah blah blah") think of asking another question that shows you are listening and care to learn more.

Chatter: A person should feel valued. They should also sense that you're listening...when a person is listening to someone talk, and thinking of what they're gonna say next, they haven't truly listened.

Chatter: that's a challenge to actively listen, yet have a question ready after they are done speaking, but that's what "doing one's homework" beforehand is for!

Emily: Regardless of whether you are meant to be together or not, you are able to give the person the privilege of feeling heard and understood...is there a better experience we can give another person? I don't think so :)

Yes, focusing on the other person and listening to them means that we give direct eye contact and care enough to listen to them, it shows that you are engaged in what they have to say, verbally and non verbally. Plus, looking someone in the eye, shows that you have confidence.

Yes, being able to communicate at the beginning is key! Communicating on a first date is an opportunity to show the individual that you can connect with them through talking as well as engaging through listening. but be sure that your communication reflects the True you or the person whom you project will be the object of the others affections, not you. That is important to remember because many people fall in love with the image put forth versus the actual person....communicate authentically who you are from the beginning.

Emily (on what to talk about on a date) Things on past relationships, income, deep spiritual topics, etc might not be the best for a first date...maybe worth saving more intimate topics for when trust is more established.

Chatter: Dating is getting to know each other but if specifics are all that is discussed then it is not a date but an interview...

Emily: Yes, an interview which is why it is so important to listen!!!! When we are quick to listen, the person is more likely to feel safe and open up.

Chatter: How long does it usually take before you should try to enter into an exclusive relationship? How do you move it in that direction?

Emily: Hmmm...that is a mutual decision based upon where both people are feeling comfortable with at the time. If you feel like going deeper in the relationship, I would suggest that you share your feelings and desire to go deeper. Use that communication as an opportunity to have the other person share where she is and what she wants as well. I definitely know that you can't take it super deep on the first and second date....that is premature for sure! There isn't much research I've seen on when it is best to have an exclusive relationship.

However, there is research that marriages are most successful when dating has occurred for 6 months or more prior to engagement. Getting engaged before 6 months of dating shows negative long term effects...just fyi :) Happy dating folks, you were a great discussion group tonight!

Emily Shupert leads a discussion monthly at Cache' Connections. CLICK HERE for scheduled events and chats.

~ Linda
Cache' Connections

Not Getting Results? Make a Change!

Here are some excerpts from last night's expert-led chat with relationship expert Emily Shupert:

Expert Emily: Welcome friends! Glad you were able to make it out to the chat tonight! Hope you all are having a great evening! This is an "open" chat so you can ask whatever is on your mind regarding dating :)

Chatter 1: I have a question. I am a 29 yr. old female who just doesn't have the opportunity to date. I have trouble meeting people and its just really hard for me. Any advice?

Expert Emily: Great question! I like to encourage you to get your numbers up. By this I meaning get your exposure with other guys up through Cache, meeting new people at work or even making small talk in the grocery store.

Others: Get on Cache I am sure Linda would say; Do different things!!! I think any christian or community involvement would allow for interaction; I would also say show interest to guys you meet that you might be interested in, also try to go to places where you might meet people you might be interested in.

Chatter 1: I've been told all those things everyone is suggesting volunteer, work out, etc but there is never anyone.

Expert Emily: It is really difficult because we can resort to the false belief that "there just isn't anyone out there" but there are in fact many possible people...we just need to figure out what is the barrier to you meeting those people.

Chatter 1: Work is not an option, 75% of my coworkers are female and the 25% that is male is married.

Chatter 2: Well, make sure you are presenting yourself and making sure you are open.

Expert Emily: In counseling, I work with people on identifying their false belief statements....it is a form of cognitive misconceptions that is based on a ton of research but I'm gonna minimize all that info now.... Sometimes, you have false belief statements regarding yourself such as "I'm unable of healthy relationships" or "I can't find anyone because I'm too broken" or "All the relationships I enter into are the same." We have negative beliefs that we tell ourselves that are stopping us from meeting others and sometimes, well, many times this is rooted from our own journey and things we are dealing with.

Chatter 2: I would agree Emily, also the 2 articles from Expert Emily help, on cache site under expert articles.

Expert Emily: Another false belief is regarding your interactions (physical and social) with others....

Chatter 1: So how does one overcome these false beliefs (which I don't believe I have)?

Expert Emily: You might tell yourself "He wouldn't be interested in me" or "He isn't my type so I'm not gonna even be interested" or "I'm unable to talk with guys I don't know, I don't feel comfortable with talking to strangers" or "I don't know what to say."

Chatter 3: I'm curious why your job prevents you from joining Cache on your own time and your own computer and internet account?

Expert Emily: Everyone has some sort of barrier that is stopping you from meeting the man or woman of your dreams. The goal of self awareness is to be open to seeing which (not if) these things are in your life. Awareness is the first step...

Chatter 4: But maybe Chatter 1 is self confident and looking, what then?

Expert Emily: But it is really difficult to be aware of this in your own life because we cannot be objective.... I suggest you ask some people who love you well to give you some honest feedback. Ask them, "what do you think are some false beliefs that I have in my dating life?"

Chatter 1: Thank you Chatter 4 ...that is exactly what I am.

Expert Emily: Self confidence is awesome...so important but that doesn't mean that we don't have false beliefs. We all have areas of growth, so ask for feedback from others who can tell you the false beliefs you might have in your life.

Chatter 1: I have had coworkers be harassed by clients because they saw their online profile.

Chatter 3: I see your point Chatter 1.

Expert Emily: Once you are aware of these false beliefs, you are able to change them. For example, if you are a competent, business woman who is successful and working a lot but having little time or ways of meeting someone else, then you can be aware of when your false belief statements...

Expert Emily: Whenever you say, "He isn't my type because he isn't driven like me" (to a guy you haven't even met yet) or "I want to be pursued" (but you don't put yourself out there in new places and expect him to come to your doorstep). There are several ways that we can ask ourselves what is stopping us. Many times being a self confident and capable person is difficult because you are successful in all other areas of your life and can't find a break through in dating.

Chatter 5: Emily, you mean you sometimes have to say hi first? geez. I hate that.

Chatter 1: However, I don't really come in contact with potential dates and I can say "hi" first all I want but the man still has to say "hi" back.

Chatter 5: The good ones will Chatter 1.

Chatter 2: Yes, showing some interest really gets a man to react, but even just looking at him when he looks at you and not turning away makes a difference.

Expert Emily: Think of it like this...what would you do in other areas of your life if things weren't working out for you? You would change, adapt, and make things done differently in order to have a different outcome.

Chatter 2: Good Emily, we learn and act and if not working then try something different, very good.

Chatter 1: I go to church with men who are married, gay, or underage (that is not a false belief it is true and I can't change churches) - now what?

Expert Emily: Chatter 1, while you might not come in contact with a ton of guys in your everyday life, I would encourage you to meet at least 5 new guys a week...in the grocery store, in the church service, wherever... I don't care where it is as long as it gets your numbers up. This is just an exercise that allows you to see that there are many guys around you and they might not be "marriage material" but maybe this will help you open yourself up so that "the one" will approach you down the road and engage in conversation with you.

Others: Singles activities; cache events; concerts in the park; anything to get you out to where you can meet people. church activities other then just the worship service; and other churches activities; weddings?

Expert Emily: It is important to simply open our eyes and see that there are men and women around us and a simple smile, small talk, etc. allows us to get out of our little world and reach out to others. I think that it is more than simply being social but also showing interest and care in others...who doesn't want to be spoken to? ...want someone to notice them in the rush of every day life....that is showing hospitality in a crazy busy world.

Chatter 1: What I'm trying to get across is that I have a very limited social network because of my age, job, religious belief, etc. so I can be open as I want but the challenge is finding someone who will fit in my world.

Chatter 2: Sometimes we limit our world too much; Emily is telling you to expand even just by opening yourself up some in your everyday activities.

Expert Emily: ...good for you! You need to be specific and have high standards. But getting your numbers up isn't about standards, it is about getting your numbers up. You can't get to know if someone meets your standards until you are able to engage and get to know someone. But you can't get to know someone until you reach out and say hello.

Chatter 1: So if I'm understanding this correctly when I go to the grocery store once a month I should just start talking to random men???

Chatter 2: You should smile at men that you might be interested in.

Expert Emily: So many times I see clients who come in my office and they cut off potential dates because the guy isn't a certain type...but I think that God is bigger than that....he might surprise you beyond your type and show you someone who will be better than your type!

Expert Emily: Yes Chatter 1 ....go for it! I now it sounds silly but think to yourself, "If what I'm doing isn't working than what's the worst thing that can happen? Why not work in a different direction and try something new?" Going to the grocery store, gas station, Starbucks, etc....meet people. If you need to read emails and read, then don't isolate, but yourself in a Starbucks or bookstore or library...wherever you live in the US, they at least have a library. It is about working smarter, not harder. This is a proven technique that I've seen great success in over the years. It takes stepping out of your norm and into something different, but it works!

Expert Emily: Note to all: Don't let your past experience, sarcasm, or doubt stop you from trying this new way of working....whether it is with people online, through meeting people outside work, etc....there are so many ways to meet folks but we have to get "unstuck" first by moving in a different direction.
Yes, that is the way towards growth...challenging our thinking. Many times we get stuck in our own ways which leads us to feeling "stuck" and unable to see outside our situation. That is why I love counseling others, to challenge thinking in order to work out of a different perspective.

Chatter 2: Emily is trying to challenge you, just think is, what I am doing working? No? Then how can I change?

Expert Emily: Great point! But changing requires a great amount of courage and strength to move beyond what feels comfortable to the unknown.

Chatter 1: I run into a lot of men who aren't worth my time, so I can do all those things (i.e. church, grocery store, etc) but if I'm not finding anyone worth my time..........

Expert Emily: Anyone worth your time....let's look at that statement because that is what is stopping you... I want to encourage you stop yourself every time you say "He isn't worth your time" Just notice when you say this over the week. It is so important to stop yourself when you say something that might be stopping you from meeting someone. This is one of the false beliefs that I mentioned above. You need to be aware of when you say that statement because you are cutting yourself off from meeting someone by saying that. First step....just be aware, notice, and be mindful. Second step.... stop saying it. It is hurting you an even though you feel comfortable thinking this, trust me, as a professional, you are hurting yourself by saying this. Third: open yourself up to talking with (not saying marrying or having kids with) just talking with someone who is not your type. Fourth: Pray....ask God to open your heart and mind to others that he has for you. Ask him to show you what people are worth getting to know and ask Him to open your eyes to relationship you might not be open to before...it is a dangerous prayer to ask Him to work His will, even if it isn't a path. You never know if someone will be something more. But talk and engage with someone first but you can't do this if you say "they aren't worth me."

Chatter 1: I don't understand why I should focus my efforts on relationships that I'm not interested in or the other is not interested in. I'm not trying to be rude when I say this its just that I want a relationship that is going to progress to marriage and kids.

Expert Emily: You aren't spending hours into these people...saying hi only takes a few seconds and having a conversation is only a few min. I think you are resistant to doing something outside of what has been done but you have to ask yourself, "How is what I'm doing working for me?

These are just some of the comments from the chat, consisting of about 10 participants. Join in Expert Emily's next chat on Sunday, August 15, 2010 at 7:30 pm CST. Other leader-led chats are shown under Scheduled Events at www.cacheconnections.com.

~Linda